What Can You Learn From Listening to Your Procrastination?

At times, when clients are stressed, busy, or overwhelmed, they will talk about themselves as lazy and procrastinators.  But let me ask you, is it true? Are you really lazy? Are you really a procrastinator? I don't think so. I believe there is always a bigger truth to why we do not do what we should do.  I find that most times, we can learn a lot from what the resistance of moving into action is trying to tell us that we ignore and jump right away to what we have heard from others. There is always a bigger truth; we just need to listen to what it has to say about what we call laziness or procrastination.

 Hi, my name is Noa. And I work with teams, leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go. 

 Procrastination, as the dictionary defines it is an action of postponing or delaying something. But looking at this definition, I was missing the Why behind this. But why do we procrastinate? I believe that there are three main reasons why we procrastinate.

1. Importance

2. Purpose

3. External Accountability

I will start with number two: Purpose. I believe that many times when we don't move into action, it's because we do not understand the purpose behind the action. We are still unclear about the why behind this action, so there is no real motivation, and sometimes it feels like resistance: "why should you?"
Let me give you an example; When I need to write an article or a blog post, sometimes I find that I cannot move into action and start writing. Initially, I used to feel upset with my slow to action; why am I so excited about the idea of writing but cannot move into action when I sit in front of the screen? What's going on? Now I know that I'm unable to start writing because I still don't have clarity on the purpose behind this topic; the idea is not deep enough for me to move into writing, and my resistance is telling me that I need to understand it better. When I understand the purpose behind what I want to write, when it is all clear to me, it's easier for me to move into action. 

 Reason number one. Importance. 
Sometimes, a reality check and being very honest with ourselves are needed. This is when we need to look in the mirror and ask the hard questions: is this action necessary to me? Maybe this action is not as important as you want it to be. Maybe it is not even you that think this action is essential, but others are telling you that you should/need/have to take the action. Or maybe you see others taking this action and you want to do it because others do. If you look beyond your (or others') shoulds, needs, and have-to-do you really need to take on this action? Listen well to what the resistance to moving into action is trying to tell you. Maybe it's time for you to pause and assess the situation. When we look deeper, we might identify that the action is unimportant or even necessary for us, and we can let it go. Or maybe the actions aligned with the purpose and vision of this action and how it is connected to your life and/or business/work vision.

Now to number three, Accountability. In her work, Gretchen Rubin explains that we are wired differently to move into action to reach our goals. Some of us are motivated by what she calls internal Accountability – we set goals with ourselves and achieve them. Others are motivated by external goals – we need to commit to our teams, a manager, and partners to achieve our goals. Look at your accountability systems; you might notice that you have already created ways to commit to others but overlooked them as external Accountability. If you are wired to achieve your goals by external Accountability – don't work against yourself. No matter how often you say: I will achieve this goal on my own, you have a low probability of doing so. Therefore ask yourself who can serve as your external Accountability partner/s.

 For example, when COVID19 started, I found it hard to engage in running as part of my workout routine, even though I used to do it until then a few times a week. Since I need external Accountability to achieve goals when I don't move into action, I reached out to my youngest son, who wanted to learn how to run longer runs. I asked him if he would support me in going back to running while I was teaching him how to get to a run of 2-3 miles gradually. That was a win-win for both of us. He learned how to run longer runs, and I could get my two, three miles runs a few times a week back into my weekly workout routine. And start creating systems of committing to an accountability partner or accountability buddy. 

To learn more about Accountability Partners and external and Internal Accountability, check out my article about accountability partners. 

 So remember, you are not lazy nor a procrastinator, and there is a lot you can learn from listening to the resistance from moving into action. So lean back, pay attention and listen to what the procrastination has to teach you; It could be that this action is not that important to you. Or, maybe there is a lack of clarity about the purpose around the doing of this action. Or, perhaps, you need external Accountability to achieve your goals and move into action. If you liked this video and would like to go beyond with your leadership, make sure to subscribe to this channel, like this video, and/or share my blog post.

Assess The Yes - How To Make Sure You And Your Team Stay Focused

Hello. Yes. How are you? Yes. Yes. Not a problem. No, no, not a problem at all. Yes, that's really, really easy. We can do that. Yes. Sure, piece of cake. No worries. Yes. And I will even send it to you by Monday. Don't worry about it. Very easy. Love helping you. Yeah, sure. Not a problem. Bye Bye.

Guys, guys, listen. Listen up, guys. Hey, everyone. I'm closing the door; please do not interrupt me. I have to do many things. I'm going to see you soon. Bye. Maybe one day. Bye.

Sound familiar? If you or your team members are saying yes to too many things, maybe it's time to Assess your Yes.

Hi, I am Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership. Are you ready? Let's go.

Here's the deal. We all need to say yes to requests and asks that come on our way. It's part of our day and of our work. It feels good to help others. It also feels great when others ask us to do things that no one else is able to do. We're being seen and being noticed.

The problem is that when we say yes to too many things, this is when we lose focus. Our container is overflowing with things we said yes to. And at times, we also are not able to finish our tasks on time. Moreover, as leaders, we can create a culture of a team that says yes to too many things, and as a team, we start losing our focus. If you feel this way. It's probably a red flag for you and/or your team that you're saying yes to too many things. And as I say to my clients, this is time to “Assess the Yes!!!”

 Here are a few quick steps you can take to Assess the Yes.

People Pleasers?
Some of us identified as people-pleasers. This is when we feel happy when we help others. The problem with people pleasing is that after we say yes to too many things, we feel resentment. The resentment comes from a sense that we help everyone else, but now when we have a lot to do, no one offers to help us.
So here's a little trick that can help you make sure you say yes, only the essential things you should focus on: Postpone the Yes.
What do I mean by that?
When someone asks you to help with something or take on a new exciting project, DO NOT (and I recall – do not!) respond immediately. Rather than saying yes!, during the conversation, tell the other person or the group that you would like to take a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days to get back to them and let them know if you're able to take on that task.
The key is not to leave them hanging without a time frame – it is okay to think it over no matter how big or small this task is – just let them know how much time they should expect to wait.

To assess the Yes, lean back and ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you want to take on this task? Or is it important to you?
   Sometimes we say yes to tasks we don’t even want to take on. Rather than looking on the needs of others, look at the want or importance of this task to you and your team.

2. Is this task connected to your vision for the year or to the purpose of the company or your organization?
   So your manager asked you to do something, postpone the yes, or ask them – how is that connected to our team vision and purpose? At times, even our leaders get excited with the idea – and slowing them down and asking these questions help us understand where our focus is and whether we are distracting ourselves and our team from our vision and purpose.
   When your team starts asking you this question – know you did something well!

3. Do you have the capacity or the resources to say yes to this task?
   This is an important question for you and your team’s happiness. If you don’t have the capacity and want to take on the task – make sure to communicate that with your leaders and prepare well for this conversation.

   On the other hand, maybe you have the capacity for now, but when you look at the long term, will it be sustainable or scalable for you and/or your team to say yes to this task?

   Maybe assessing the yes on your own is not enough.

4. Yes Buddy - That's when you can add a second step and identify a yes buddy. A yes buddy, like an accountability partner, can be another step in the way where the Yes Buddy is asking you the same questions you ask yourself (and maybe a few more) and going through them together to make sure you're saying yes to the right things and stay on focus.
   For your team, you can pair your team members as pair buddies to support each other the same way.

So remember, first, postpone the Yes. Then assess the Yes, and if needed, identify a Yes buddy that will help you make sure you say yes to the right things.

If you liked this video and blog post and would like to go beyond with your leadership, make sure to like, subscribe/follow, and share.

Sticky Notes - How They Can Help You Think Strategically

If I had to choose one thing to stick within my coaching and business, that would be sticky notes. Today I'm going to teach you how to use these beautiful sticky notes to go beyond your leadership and be more strategic with the help of these lovely, colorful thingies. 

Hi, my name is Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond your leadership. So let's go. 

When I started writing, I bartered my coaching services for editing services a few years ago. The person who helped me edit my blog was a TV producer at a known reality show. She taught me that they use sticky notes to work on brainstorming ideas and also learn how to create connections between ideas when you want to organize them. 

 She invited me to try an experiment using sticky notes to work on my ideas for my business. This is where my journey with sticky notes started, and since then, it has never stopped. 

I use sticky notes in two main ways: 

• Help people brainstorm and find creative ideas or think about their ideas in a more profound way

• Help people capture their thoughts and organize them.

What's so special about using sticky notes to organize your ideas? 

Here is the deal. When you have all the ideas in your head, it's challenging to create a structure. Sticky notes is a system that helps you take the ideas you have in your head that feel unorganized or that maybe you don't know how to approach and when in your head can even feel confusing. 

Having them on the sticky notes allows you to start taking what you have in your head and structure them into something tangible that makes sense.

Here are a few ways I use sticky notes to organize my ideas (clients' ideas), but first! I follow an important rule: Each idea gets a particular sticky note. 

 When you have each idea on a sticky note, the fun begins:

Move them around. What's good about sticky notes is that when you start putting the ideas on the table or the wall, you can identify connections between ideas and group them together or create a workflow that shows the relationships between the concepts.

• Next time you have great ideas in your head, take those buckets of ideas and put them on sticky notes, and enjoy moving them around until you can see the connection that makes sense to you.

• Color indexing. Color indexing is a great way to help you create a process to manage projects or structure your ideas. For example, each blue sticky note is a topic; underneath, the sub-ideas are in pink color, and then the ideas' actions or outcomes will be in yellow, and so on.

But I prefer to brainstorm on my computer…

Do you like to capture your ideas on your computer or pad? My favorite free tool with sticky notes as a team or alone is miro - click to check it out.

So next time you tell yourself, I'm not strategic enough, remember that strategy is about planning ahead. It is about taking time to step back and understand ideas, connections, and much more. Standing up and playing with sticky notes can make strategic planning an energetic and creative activity. 

I challenge you to get some sticky notes in different colors and pull down all those buckets of ideas you have in your head on paper. 

Have fun and go beyond with your leadership. 

Thanks for watching. If you liked this video and would like to go beyond with your leadership, make sure to subscribe and like this video.

I See - How to Recognize Others as Leaders?

One of the top three reasons people leave organizations? Lack of recognition from their managers. When people come to me and share with me their frustration with their managers not recognizing them, here is what I ask them: "What if your managers have never learned how to recognize others?" Why do I ask that?

Because I used to be that manager, and today I'm going to share with you a few simple ways of how you can feel more comfortable recognizing others and also feel more comfortable when others recognize you.

Hi, my name is Noa, and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond with their leadership.

Are you ready? Let's go.

Some of us find it very challenging to be recognized by others or recognize others. I was the same. And here are two main reasons why for some of us, it can feel so challenging.

The first one, as always, is our parents.

And the second one is our culture.

Maybe this experience will sound familiar to you. When I was a little girl and came home with a good grade, my father asked me why 99 and not 100? That question, "Why 99 and not 100," followed me for years; I always asked myself, "How can I do things better? How can I take myself from 99 to 100?" The problem was that not only was I having this internal conversation with myself, but I also started having the exact expectations of the people I worked with and managed. And by the way, also with my kids.

The second reason that recognition was so challenging was that I came from a red pen culture. Erin Meyer, the researcher and the author of the book, the Culture Map, explains that red pen culture is a culture where a student submits their work to the teacher they receive it with red pen notes. In those notes, the teachers write down what the student could have done better to do the work. People from a red pen culture will always ask themselves: "how can I do things better?" and that would be their focus.

 When I moved to the US, I realized I needed to shift how I communicate with others, including my kids, and start recognizing what others do more.

But how do you do that? How do you work on the mental muscle of recognizing others? Working on a muscle, just like in the gym, takes time. And I believe it has to first start with working on yourself.

The first thing I had to learn was how to shift my focus from what's NOT working to what works.

Shifting your focus to what's working is not an easy path. And you have to train yourself and work on that mental muscle to learn how to shift the focus from what's not working to asking yourself again and again first, what's working?

When you learn how to do this work with yourself, then you can start working on how to do this work with others.

How do you do that with others?

Here is a simple way that you can recognize others.  What people really want is that their actions will be seen. And that's why the simple way for you to start working on the mental muscle of what's working is to use two words: I See.

So if you find it challenging to recognize others, next time when you sit with others, start the sentence when you want to recognize them with "I see." Or "I noticed."

Now be very specific when you use the words: I see/I noticed.

Rather than saying "good job," or "Awesome work" (this is vague and people don't really know what to do with this feedback) be more specific, and say for example, "I saw yesterday in the meeting that you took initiative in the conversation, and the report you suggested is working very well for the team. Thank you for taking that extra step to help our team move forward."

Building on "I see"

And here is a cool way you can build on the idea of "I see" that I learned from one of my executive clients who implemented this method of "I see" to recognize their people.

When people share with you what they and their team are doing to ask for recognition, you can ignore it, or you can build on their sharing by using the “I see.”

"Yes, I have seen what you and your team have done in the past few weeks. It was a great opportunity for you and your team. And I loved to see the email from the CFO recognizing what you and your team did this morning. It means that you are building your team’s brand to be seen as experts of … – well done."

So remember first train your brain to look at what's working rather than what's not working, and then play with "I see" / "I have noticed" and share in detail what you see so people can know and understand what you mean and build on their momentum. And if needed, you can build on the I see/I notice when you see your people seeking recognition  (and may it be a learning opportunity for you that they don't need to seek recognition, release them from this burden and initiate the recognition before they ask for it).

A great resource to learn more about this topic is the book How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath and Donald O.Clifton Ph.D

The problem With Problem-Solving as Leaders

One of the top ten skills employers look for in candidates is problem-solving, We all love having problem solvers on our team, right?
But there is a point that the strength of problem-solving can get in your way if you overuse it…

As a Problem solver, you bring results fast; you learn that you are being seen from your actions and your ability to identify gaps and fix them. This is why many problem solvers are being promoted to lead a team. But then they hear from their managers that they need to learn how to delegate, coach, empower their people and especially be more strategic.

The problem with problem-solving is that what worked as team members or individual contributors doesn't work anymore when you lead a team. 

You see, the problem with strengths – and not everyone will agree with me (and that's okay) is that sometimes we overuse them. Or we use the strength in the way we always used, and we need to use the strength in a new way.

When we overuse the strength of problem-solving or use it the same way we always used it before the new situation, we get in our way and in our team's way.

Let's look at Jane; she is good at problem-solving; when she sees a problem, her mind goes fast into a fixing mode, people talk, and all she can hear in her head is: "I know how to fix it," or "Okay I heard enough, it is elementary, let me show you how you do it," or "why they keep talking? We could already find a solution if we used other tactics we used before to figure it out."

As a problem solver myself, I know that this strength is being overused, especially when combined with another strength, creativity shows up. When my head is in that creative + problem-solving mode, my brain is so fast that it is tough for me to listen; all I can think is, "why do they keep talking??? Let's talk solution."

When I am in the "Problem-Solving" head-space:

I am not listening well; I will even allow myself to say that I am a terrible listener. I will even allow myself to share that I am not sure I even listen in that mode.

 I am so focused on my ideas because I am in the "I know" Mindset that there is no listening or a conversation. There is a "me conversation" my solution.

1. When we focus on problem-solving and get excited about our ideas too much, it can be challenging to listen to our people.

2. I can feel it is a waste of time – you see, when I am in a problem-solving mode, my brain goes fast, really fast. In that excitement, keep talking about solutions that can feel boring or not efficient and even a waste of time when we can move to the fixing! Let's make it happen!!

3. I delegate less – I know how to do it, I did it many times, and others? Teaching them will take so much time, and they have so much on their plate; it might be easier if I just do it… by the way, we do it as parents too.

4. It is fun to solve problems– Solving problems feels creative and effective; I feel like I get things done. But is it always what I need to do?

The problem with overusing the strength of problem-solving is that we don't coach our people, we don't empower them, and we are so much in the joy of doing, in the weeds, that we miss the big picture. We lack strategy and vision, and our team can feel lost and confused. Moreover, we don't solve the problems we need to solve and feel less focused and less organized.

How can we solve this problem? Use your strength differently and lower the volume on how you did things until now. A new situation requires using your actions and way of being in a new way.

1. Use your gift of identifying gaps? 

   Your gift as a problem solver is to see gaps that others don't. So share the gap you identified with your team and then lean back and let them find the solution. Yes, it will require more time, but as the finance people say – there is ROI; The Return on your Investment by leaning back will be that you will empower your team to learn how to find solutions on their own. The more they know how to find solutions on their own, the more time you will have to create your leadership/team vision. You will be more strategic, but you will also feel more focused.

2. Do they even need you to fix it? 
   Often, when people come to our office with what seems like problems are not problems. Sometimes they want to vent, and sometimes they think the problem is what they shared, but when you ask more questions, you see the problem is not even what they thought was the problem. Therefore I invite you to start with a simple question – "Is there anything you need following what you just shared with me?" or "Was there any need by sharing this with me?," Many times the answer will be: "No, I just wanted to share, there is no action needed here." So start with identifying the need of your people when they share something with you.

Remember, solving problems will take you far until a certain point, but then if you won't teach others to solve the issues and listen well to how they approach the problem, you will get stuck in the weeds with them.

Problem-solving will always stay your strength – leverage it in a new way and ask yourself how to use problem-solving to be less tactical and more strategic? What do I need to do to show up differently, listen better, and coach others to solve problems on their own? I know you can find the answer that works best for you and your team.  

Transcript:

One of the top 10 skills employers look for in candidates is problem-solving. We all love having problem solvers on our team, right? Well, let me show you how the strength of problem-solving can get in your way if you're overusing it. Hey, I am Noa Ronen and I work with leaders, executives, and founders of companies just like you to go beyond. So let's go. As a problem solver, you bring results, and you bring them fast, you see the gap, and you have the ability to act on it. This is why managers love problem solvers. And that's why problem solvers are being seen and being promoted. But when they become leaders, it might get in the way. You see the problem with problem-solving is that it works well when you are a team member. But it can get in your way when you lead a team. And there are two ways it can get in your way if you are overusing the strength of problem-solving. One is listening, and two is delegating. And if you already have the solution as a problem solver, you also know how to get there, you know the way it's not a problem solvers don't like to listen, it's just that when they have a solution in mind, it's very hard for them to listen to other people's ideas. And then what happens is not that you want to control the path, but you can't let go of staying in the weeds with your people to get to the solution you want to see. And that's when I find that problem solvers find it very hard to let go and move from being tactical to strategic planners. So what can you do differently to leverage your strength of problem-solving? One, to be a better listener, rather than giving the solutions, tell your team, "What are the gaps you identify?" You're really good at identifying gaps and inviting them to bring the solution. Yes, it might not be your solution. But you will learn that even though it's different than your way, it still gets you forward and bring progress just differently. Two when you let go of your solution, you allow people to take ownership of their solution and find their way to get there. The more you allow people to find their way towards their solution, the less you need to be in the weeds. And the more time you will have to be strategic. I'm not telling you to stop using your strength of problem-solving. All I'm telling you is to use it in a way that you can be less tactical and more strategic. And as a problem solver, you know how to take that beyond. Thanks for watching. If you like this video and want to go beyond with your leadership, make sure to subscribe for more.

How To Be A Better Listener? Shift Your Why Questions To What Questions

Can you guess how many results Google shows for "How to be a better listener"?

7 million?

27 million? 

 Or maybe 67 million?

The correct answer is over 67 million.

Let us wrap our minds around this number for a second - so many people are looking for solutions on how to be better listeners. Why being better listeners is so important? 

The short answer is that when you listen more, you become a better communicator, you empower people more to share their ideas and bottom line, it allows you to be a better leader to your people.

Think about some leaders in your life? Were they the ones to talk all the time or create an experience where you are welcome to share your ideas, and everyone is welcome to share their ideas, even if the ideas can challenge the leader's thinking or vision?

In this article, I will share a great tip that can help you be a better listener. This is one of my top favorite tips that, every time I share it with my clients, they are excited to try; actually, it is my #1 hit tip on my leadership coaching tips billboard. 

So why is it so challenging for many of us to be in listening mode?

Here are two main reasons:

1. The Culture Aspect - In some cultures, we learn to show up, react fast, be the first to talk, show up, to be at the front. Other cultures appreciate the internal processing, the slower pace. Whether at school or in the meeting room, it is not enough if you do not speak up and share your thoughts.

2. Learned Skill – we never learned how to listen. Period. We also never learned as speakers how to create a room for the listener to have their turn to speak. Now, more schools are using different techniques to teach kids at an early age how to practice listening. They use listening sticks and other techniques to help the kids be better listeners, not only to thoughts but also emotions. My wish is that we will see those skills being practiced beyond preschool and elementary school.

3. Quiet can be Uncomfortable – in some situations; we feel very uncomfortable being quiet. We ask a question, and the people in the room are quiet; it can feel as if they do not have any ideas, or maybe they do not know the answer or find the answer, But coaching people for many years and also being a mom I learned that each time when I ask a question that the immediate answer is: "I do not know," and I keep sitting still, quiet and allowing the space, people always find the answers. So next time you ask a question, and they say I do not know, count to 100 and then count again. People are creative and resourceful; it is we who need to learn to be with the uncomfortable experience.

So how do we become better listeners? There are many ways, but my favorite is moving from questions that start with the word WHY to questions that start with the word WHAT.

Why?

What questions come from curiosity and exploration; they are inquisitive. However, Why questions create a sense that we are judging the idea, that the other side needs to convince us why their idea is right and move them into defense.

Why "Why Questions" can be experienced by others as judgmental? Let us take a journey back in time to our childhood. When kids are small, they ask why questions like 
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong?"

These questions help them have a better understanding of how the world works. Then, somewhere around our teenage, we start to form opinions. These opinions are based on our short life experience, what our parents and teachers told us, and what we heard on social media, opinions about, well, just about anything and everything. Labeling the world as black and white, right or wrong, is what forms our core value system. We create opinions of what is right and what is wrong. This means that when someone else thinks just like you, they are part of your team, but if they happen to have a different perspective, we label them as wrong. This is when we use why questions shift from a sweet exploration of a small child to a question about right or wrong. 

Let me give you an example,

that can help you understand this idea better. Have you ever seen what happens when an adult is upset with a child that did something wrong or silly? Mostly when the adults ask the question: "Why did you do that?" What is the child's response? Mostly the child will look down and won't answer, and if they answer, they will say something like: "because…" and stay quiet. Some kids or teenagers will push back on the adult and answer something defensive like: "well, no matter what I do, you will blame me."
However, instead of asking them: "Why did you do that?" you will ask: "What made you do that?" I promise you that not only they will answer, but you will get a better understanding of what made them do that. Can you feel the difference between the two questions?
Why did you do that?
What made you do that?

If you tried to experiment with your kids, please share what interesting answers you received from your kids in the comments.

Let us try another one - you are sitting in a meeting room, and your peers suggest an idea - you are not a fan and you ask: Why do you think we should go with this solution? vs. What made you come up with this solution?

Can you sense the different energy? 
Why vs. What,
Curiosity vs. Judgement.

Why triggers protecting my ideas because I feel I must defend them, while What questions create space, I can sense that you are curious to understand what I was thinking and want to learn more about my ideas and way of thinking. It also makes me more curious and explores my own ideas while answering your questions. The outcome will be a rich and deeper discussion that allows you to learn more about how others think and where they come from.

 So next time you sit in a room and want to be a better listener, all you need to do is change one word, from why to what.

 If you liked this article and looking for more tips to go beyond with your leadership, check out my beyond blog: https://www.noaronencoaching.com/beyond-blog

Transcript 

Can you guess how many results Google shows for how to be a better listener? Maybe it's 7 million, maybe 27, or maybe 67 million? The correct answer is over 67 million. Let's wrap our minds around this number for a second. So many people want to be better listeners. And still, listening is very hard.
Have you heard that annoying sentence "you have two ears and one mouth?" Still, listening is very challenging.
Today, I'm going to teach you a great tip that can help you become a better listener. It always works. Actually, it's my number one tip of all tips with my clients. They love it.

Hi, I am Noa Ronen, I'm an executive and leadership coach. And I work with executives, leaders, and founders like you to go beyond their leadership. If you're ready to dig in and learn more about beyond leadership, hit the subscribe button and let's go beyond.
Want to be a better listener? It's very simple. All you need to do is replace your why questions with what questions?

What?

Why?

Let me explain the difference.

What questions come from curiosity. While why questions come from judgment, and they get in your way of having a real conversation with another person.

What? But why?

Hey, we just talked about it. Use WHAT questions, right?

But why?

What makes what questions better than why?

Let me explain. And for that, we need to go back in time to our childhood. We all know that cute experience where kids ask us why questions? Why is the sky blue? Why do I need to eat broccoli? Mom? Why can't I lie? Why questions are a great way for kids to try and understand the world better. And then when we go forward in time, and they become teenagers, that's when they start forming the world and understanding what is wrong, and what is right from their why questions. And this is when we move from pure curiosity to somewhat of a judgment, we create a judgment and opinion of the world with what is right and what is wrong. And therefore some people will be right and part of my team and some not. And when you ask your peers and direct reports the question why, they feel they are judged and need to defend their idea when they talk to you. You see, when we ask people why they come up with that solution, what they feel or what they think is: “now I need to defend my idea,

I need to move you to my side, I need to convince you.”
Defense is not an answer to curiosity. Defense is an answer to judgment.

Now, when you ask what questions, it feels different.
Let me give you an example. Have you ever seen when a child does something silly? And the adults ask: “Why did you do that?,” Have you seen how the child reacted or responded? Mostly they will shrug their shoulders look down and say nothing? Or maybe just say," because." And maybe they will move right away to defend and attack you, especially the teenagers, right? Now my invitation to you is next time when you see a child or a teenager do a silly thing, ask them: “What made you do that?”
I want you to write the answers in the comments. Because it's hilarious. Every time I asked my clients to do that they come back with awesome stories.

So try that rather than asking, Why did you do that? Ask them what made them do that? Now think about it. If you sit in the meeting room and you ask your direct reports or your peers or people you work with on a project, I can promise you, you will get a different conversation. Rather than defending each other's ideas, you will have a conversation that comes from curiosity.

Why versus what?
Curiosity versus judgment.

Why makes me want to defend my ideas. While what gives me the sign that you're really curious and want to listen and hear more of where I came from.

So all you need to do is replace one word. Doesn't cost a lot. Just give it a try, experiment. Lean back and try that: what instead of why. And let me know in the comments how it worked for you. If you like this video and are looking for more tips about listening, check out the next video on how problem-solving can get in your way of being a better listener.