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Can you guess how many results Google shows for the inquiry "How to be a better listener"?
The correct answer is 67,100,000. Let's wrap our heads around that for a second... So many people who want to improve their listening skills.
But why? Why is it so important for us to work on our listening skills?
When you listen, you feel present with the other person; you focus on what they say, think, and feel rather than thinking on your to-do list.
When you listen, you can ask better questions and provide better guidance to your people.
When you listen, you can communicate to people that you care about what they say and curious to learn even more about their perspectives, thoughts, aspirations. As one of my clients said: when I come with my listening ears, I come without a plan, my only focus is the other person's thoughts and ideas.
Still, even though it is such an important skill to have, I can tell you that so many of my clients find listening challenging. Listening is not easy; most of us are wired to identify gaps and problems, suggest solutions, fix, act, teach, guide, and share our knowledge.
So how do you learn to listen at ease?
I will share my number 1 tip of all times; it works time after time as clients and friends share later with me. No matter their role, culture, or identity, they all report back with how much they love it.
Ready? All you need to do is replace your WHY questions with WHAT questions.
What?
Yes! Replace your questions that start with why with questions that start with the word what.
But Why?
Let me explain the why behind the what.
Let's take a journey back in time, to our childhood.
Remember when as a child you asked the adults:
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong mom?"
Why-questions are great for helping kids to get a better understanding of the world around them.
Then, somewhere around high-school age, from trying to understand how things work, we start to form our opinions about the world and start developing their unique core values system, what we believe is right or wrong. This is why teenagers question everything we, the adults, do.
From our core values and perspectives and beliefs, we create opinions of what's right and wrong. And that's how we move from plain curiosity to crude judgment. When someone else thinks just like you, they become part of your team, but we label them as wrong if they happen to have a different perspective.
We are quick to judge when we listen, not because we feel inferior, but because our brain has already made its mind.
As much as why is sweet when we hear it from a child when adults ask why questions in the meeting room, what others hear is: "can you explain to me why I should believe your idea/solution is better than mine?" and they shift to play defense, Defense is not an answer to curiosity; a defense mechanism is a response to the judgment.
What?
On the other hand, when you ask What questions others feel, you want to genuinely understand where their idea/solution comes from, what questions communicate curiosity. It feels different.
Check it out
Next time, if your child does something silly, I invite you to ask them: "What made you do that?" instead of "Why did you do that?"
I promise you a delicious answer rather than a muted response decorated with some tears or one "because" or "I don't know."
If someone shares their idea or solution in the meeting room, maybe you don't see the reason or need behind it. try to change your question from: "Why do you think we should go with this solution?" to "What made you come up with this solution?"
Can you sense the different energy? I promise you they can.
Why vs. What, Curiosity vs. Judgement.
Why triggers my opinion, while What gives me the signal that you want to listen and even want to have a deeper conversation to understand where I come from and what I stand for. You communicate to me with one word that you want to learn more about me.
If you experimented with What questions and found value in this article, please share with your friends, or write in the comments what was your experience.
Fast pace.
"I am so sorry, I feel so scattered today, I am leading my organization through a huge organizational change and there are so many things happening my head is spinning with thoughts."
"I am excited we just got this new client and so much is happening, we need to recruit more people, I also need to find a person that can handle the new area I mentioned last time. Things are moving fast, and I want to take the time today to focus on…I love how change makes me so laser-focused"
What is your experience when your company is growing so fast? Does it feel as you always need to catch up? Or do you feel like your head is spinning with the excitement of what else you can tackle?
Leading in an organization that the pace is beyond intense is called by some "the messy middle." In this phase E V E R Y T H I N G is changing; the culture, the people, the clients, every day you come to the office, the decisions and vision you made are not relevant anymore. People join, and people leave, people are being promoted or move to new roles, clients come, and clients go processes that worked today won't work tomorrow. Your head is spinning with opportunities or frustration trying to catching up with so much!
The big challenge is that the intensity of non-stop doing can take away from the opportunity to lean back, create some space, and pay attention to where we are. But who has time to reflect when everything is happening so fast?
This is how I came up with the following formula:
Why? Let me explain the parts of the formula I designed:
I believe we all have two energies within:
The Doing Energy is the energy of actions, everything we need to do, the constant planning of moving forward – the just do it.
We all know how to do; we actually learned to focus on doing as kids when we heard the adults telling us: "Be a good boy clean up your room," or "be a good girl do your schoolwork." We learned early on that actions are what makes us seen as good, so we act. Let's face it; doers are the ones who are being seen, and mostly the ones who are promoted.
But! There is a certain point that actions alone are not working for us anymore.
This is where we need to pay attention to the Being Energy.
The Being energy consists of our mindset, emotions, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and concerns.
The Doing and Being energies don't compete with each other –– I see them as two energies that complete each other. Paying attention to the Being while doing create new actions that can take us up to the sky or slow us down, and even make us feel stuck. I like to explain that through sports. You can have two Tennis players with the same set of skills; the one who wins the game is the one that engages knows how to use to their advantage the being energy. They practice a mindset that manages non-serving thoughts and emotions and utilizes those that can help them win.
Whether it is positive or negative, the deal with change is that change brings a flow of emotions and thoughts – why? The feelings and thoughts all come from the same inner want we have in a time of change – the need to redefine ourselves in the new situation or reality – we need clarity:
Who am I going to be in this change?
What will happen to me?
What will happen to my organization?
Am I going to lose?
Am I going to win?
Am I going to be forgotten?
Am I going to be seen?
Now there are expectations from me – what if I fail?
Why do others leave? Should I be concerned?
Why is there so much uncertainty and change? Does that mean that our organization/leadership is not stable enough?
Is this time the change is going to be different?
And for some, it is just a simple hope: maybe this will be the last change?
** Note – The same need to define ourselves in a new situation shows up when you are promoted from a team member to team lead when you get married or get divorced when you move to another country or start a new job.
I found that the formula is a more straightforward tool to help teams and individuals redefine their way of being and doing in a time of change and what is missing for them to feel different.
So let's look at the formula again:
Do – our actions
Be^3 – I broke the being energy into three main e’s
- emotions
Do we experience negative emotions?
Do we experience positive emotions?
Do we feel overwhelmed with our feelings?
Do we feel excited?
Our emotions impact our energy, thoughts, and mindset that will affect how we show up with our actions.
- expectations
Our high or low expectations will influence our emotions and our actions.
- energy
Is your energy is high or low?
Suppose your energy is high good news! You have momentum, and my recommendation for you is to go! Influence and inspire others to join your vision.
If your energy is low, you don't inspire. Inspiration comes from the phrase – in spirit, in light. When you don't inspire, you are missing the spark. Mostly it is because you lack connection and clarity with your purpose and vision, which makes it hard for people to follow or feel inspired by you. If you identify that this is your experience, ask help from your manager, a mentor, or a coach to better understand your why.
As with driving a car, each component in the formula –– from the gas handle to how much gas you have in the tank can impact how far the car can go.
Doing - When we push firmly with our actions, it doesn't mean that we will see the change we want faster. While we focus on activities, some people would feel that we run too fast; it could be that their emotions and/or expectations are not aligned with our vision, and therefore their energy is low. In this situation, the more people share the same energy, expectations, and emotions, the more chances they will slow us down. It will be helpful to address the Being of the system as I call it.
Being – when as a group of individuals we all share the same emotions about the change, we can move closer to drama or low energy, and this way, our ability to move into actions can be scarce.
When we understand the formula, it can create a language for us to share where we are and invite courageous conversations with each other.
People slow you down or trying to stop you when you lead a change?
Invite a conversation to understand where they see a gap or have concerns, don't ignore their being energy.
Have you noticed most of the team thinking and slow to make decisions?
This formula can give you the language and opportunity to invite the team to see that we are in our thoughts and being, and there is no much conversation to move to action.
A great place to start is asking the team: "What is one first step we can take with the data we already have?"
Have you noticed your team running fast, maybe even too quickly? Do you feel that it is hard for you to catch up with all the planning?
Take a moment to invite the team to lean back – doers don't like to slow down, but they like the invitation to take a moment and think through. Let me tell you a secret, even if it will be hard to admit - they love it, and I know because I am a doer ;-)
Remember, in each meeting and moment of the day, the room is filled with different emotions, thoughts, expectations, and energy; even from one meeting to another, you can find yourself being and doing differently.
To learn more about the change formula and how you can establish courageous conversations at your organization reach out to Noa Ronen. Noa enCourages leaders and their teams in companies that experience constant growth to challenge the way they think and communicate in the reality of constant change.
2021 is here.
For some of us, a new year is a time to open a new page and ask how we can do things differently this year? We take the time for some individual/team internal check-in and ask ourselves what the things we need to let go of, what are the items we want to sustain and keep doing, and what are the areas of growth; what are the areas we want to work on and get better. And that's where it gets complicated for some of us; we understand the importance of moving forward and closing the gaps, but the main question is, how can we hold ourselves accountable?
The article's primary goal is to give you the tools to stay accountable for the things you say you will do as individuals or teams. This article can also help a manager (and even a parent) to support direct reports who can't deliver on what they have, accepting responsibility for the progress, whether it is a success or failure.
Work with you, not against you!
Let me start by saying that most of us don't see the results we want because we work against ourselves. We see what others do and get upset with not being able to do what they do. Not only do we focus on beating ourselves up, but we are also stuck and don't see a movement. So let's start with a quick awareness that can help you let go of the burden.
External Accountability vs. Internal Accountability.
In her Assessment – the Four Tendencies, Gretchen Rubin, explains our tendency to expectations. One crucial point you can take from her idea is that we have internal/inner or Outer/external accountability.
External accountability – is our need to be accountable to someone else so we can achieve goals. You are motivated to achieve your goals with another person. According to Rubin's, most of the population is motivated by outer expectations. How do you know if this is you?
If you are one of the people who ask themselves: "Why is it so easy for me to deliver on my promises to my family/friends/team/clients, but it is challenging to deliver on my personal goals?" you are motivated by external accountability.
What will encourage you more to workout? Paying membership to the gym, or knowing that your friend is waiting for you at 5 am outside the gym to join them? If it is the latter, then - you are motivated by external accountability.
Inner accountability – you can set goals and achieve them yourself; you don't need others to achieve your goals. How do you know it is you? You will start your day with a list and achieve most of what you wrote on the list by the end of the day.
When you understand your motivation, you can design the system you need to create to achieve your goals. Here are a few ways to design your system without going against your tendencies – experiment with the different methods, and feel free to reach out to me and share great ways that worked for you that you would like to add to this list!
External Accountability: You need to find partners that will help you stay accountable to your goals or desires. Here are a few different ways to establish these partnerships and make sure you are on the right path for you and your accountability partner.
1:1 Accountability Partnerships - An accountability partner/partnership is with someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. There are different accountability partnerships. Some are paid for their time like a performance coach, or personal trainer, while many establish a relationship meant to support each other on needed goals. Let's review a few options of accountability partnerships:
Accountability Partner for business/leadership/personal growth– my accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly business goals, business challenges, and aspirations. When a challenge or opportunity arises, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. Some even sign a confidentiality agreement.
Specific Accountability Partnerships – this is a partnership to achieve a particular goal for a limited time, like Weight loss, meal planning, work on a specific project like writing a book, filming videos, and much more.
Whether it's face to face or remotely, there are many ways to work with an accountability partner; some will state the task they would like to achieve during the meeting, then each one will work on their task. Others can focus on their discussions on progress, challenges, and goal setting. There isn't a right way; there is only your way and your aligned needs.
Pets – yes! We don't always need another human-friend to help us stay accountable. Pets can be excellent accountability partners to a specific task. Whether you want to start running, walk every day, or BE more present with your life. I have many clients who realized that having a pet helped them meet a specific need.
Social Media – A few years ago, after I went on my run, I posted my first "On The Run" video, letting everyone know that from now on, every time I run, I will post a video. Putting it out there made me accountable for this project and posting videos for more than two years after I run. If you know putting out a specific task can help you with your goals – put it out there – why not?
Groups – the same way some prefer the one to one partnership; some like group accountability with more space for reflection and different perspectives.
Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.
Group Coaching is an opportunity to take the foundations of one-to-one coaching and move them to a group setting with a coach who holds group coaching facilitation skills. During the meetings, the group explores preferred topics, and at the end of each session, the members state how they are going to keep working on the topic. At the beginning of each meeting, the members report back to the group on their progress. The main difference between group coaching and a mastermind group is that group coaching requires a coach's facilitation. In contrast, a mastermind group can discuss topics without having a coach who facilitates the conversation.
Online groups – from social media groups to apps like noom and Fitbit, many have the option of online discussions and even coaches/mentors and group facilitators that can help the group process and share their thoughts, challenges, and resources. Find the group you can share your goals and get group support.
Design the relationship agreement - Remember, like any relationship, to establish a partnership, you need to discuss with your potential accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and what you both need to do and be to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not easy to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.
To learn more and prepare for this conversation, I have created a special document you can download here and support you through this conversation.
Internal Accountability:
People who feel motivated by internal expectations do not need an accountability partner, but there are many other ways to help them achieve their goals. Here are a few creative ways:
Stacking – if there is something you want to do, make sure you connect it with another action. For example, when I want to go on a run first thing in the morning, I will prepare the workout clothes the night before. This way, when I wake up in the morning, I have no excuses not to go on my run.
Gamification – most internally motivated people like competition. If it is right for you, too, you can look at your weekly goals and give each goal a score. The more challenging the goal is, the higher the score will be. For example, writing an email is 1 point, while if networking is something you are trying to avoid – doing this task, you will give yourself 20 points. Competitive people will feel when they see their score going higher and higher each week. It takes some planning but can be very helpful to achieve goals you are trying to avoid.
What are systems you can identify you already created unconsciously in your life to achieve goals and stay accountable?
As you can see, your outer or inner accountabilities play a significant role in achieving your goals. – find the system that works for you- remember, don't do it their way – do it YOUR way.
Are there other systems you have created to stay accountable?
Well, here I am. It is the evening before this article is due. Did I start it a week ago, when I assigned it to myself? Of course not. I, like many, struggle with a common challenge: Procrastination. For years I fought this urge to put everything off to the last minute. I'd receive an assignment and say, "This time, I'm going to be organized. I'm going to start early, go bit by bit, and not put everything off to the last second. I will not procrastinate."
My daughter can attest to this tendency. Every weekend, before COVID19 hit us, the two of us would head to our favorite coffee shop. She would work on her homework, and I would focus on writing. Writing during the workweek is very challenging to accomplish. So moving it to the weekend made sense. "Did you start?" she would ask me about an article or chapter in my book or a speech I had to work on. "I just need to work on something else that is very important, and then I will start!" I would tell her with a mother who knows it all face.
But, ultimately, we'd be heading to the car from the café, and she'd ask me, "Did you complete the task?" And time after time, I was forced to say, "I haven't even started."
Time after time, I'd end up in my office two days before the event or due date writing and practicing like a madwoman. And time after time, when my daughter came cautiously, afraid of the madwoman in the office, aka me... to say goodnight, she'd sigh and say, "Oh Mom, why did you wait until the last minute again?"
"Because," I'd say. "That's just the way I am."
Even though my frantic preparation for these events was intense enough to scare away my family for the day, one time, I finally got my daughter to watch one of my speeches with me. My daughter looked at me, confused. "This is from when you procrastinated? From two days of preparation?"
"Yes, it is."
"But you did so well! If I waited to the last minute like you, instead of preparing ahead of time, I would be a mess!"
Maybe some of you are like my daughter, and perhaps you must start early for the sake of your mental health and internal peace. But for some, like me, procrastination stimulates a "good stress" that allows us to bring our best product. The moment I realized this IS my process, I became a free woman.
After years of struggle and self-deprecation, and endless coaching conversations with clients about this topic, it might be time to edit my business card and give it the additional title: Noa Ronen, an Executive & Leadership Coach, Speaker, Author, and a Proud Procrastinator.
Next time your procrastinator-tendencies cause internal conflict, how will you know if procrastination works for you or against you?
Does procrastination get you in trouble?
"I am such a procrastinator," one of my clients shared with me at the beginning of our session. "You know," I told him, "I believe sometimes procrastination is a good thing; let's try and see what it is trying to tell us…."
"You know," he said, "I have never got in trouble for doing things in the last minute. I have never failed at school, or college; I keep being seen and promoted. Plus, maybe it just creates space for me to work on more important tasks?"
We took a moment to look at his calendar, and he said, "I think I will take care of this task tonight," then, while smiling, he stopped and said, "but I probably won't…"
"I love it!" I said, "a moment of honesty; So when are YOU going to do it? tomorrow?"
"Nope," he said, laughing.
"The day after," I asked?
"No way," He replied, laughing louder, "I don't see getting to this task before the end of the week."
"I have to ask you… how does it serve you when you put tasks on your calendar that torture you when you know you will not touch them until later in the week/month? You have enough on your plate - work with you, not against you."
Does the stress of procrastination lead you to create just an okay product or a fantastic product?
If waiting for the last minute helps you create a fantastic product, keep procrastinating; it is part of your creative process. Some research shows that in the "not doing," your brain keeps working and thinking and collecting different ideas that show up when you do the work.
And what if waiting to the last minute can get in your way or even gets you in trouble?
I believe we can learn plenty from your resistance. I refer to it as the wisdom or your resistance.
When you postpone doing something, I believe that most times, it's not because you are lazy or disorganized; there is a reason for your non-action that you are AwareLess to see for now. So, what is it that you're resisting? What can the resistance teach us if we take a moment to listen to it?
Are you going against your core values? Your values like the north star, make sure you keep walking with integrity and follow the path of what's important to you. When you need to take on action against your core values, you will experience an internal conflict that will hold the doing. For example: if you're asked to stay late, and your core value is freedom, you may resist doing the task and check your social media feed. You DID stay, but your actions are keeping you in control of your value, or you will resent the request and act out.
I don't know enough? Is it true? Suppose the answer is yes, you probably don't move into action because you are missing skills or knowledge. Still, at times people who lean to believe they don't know enough can get in trouble. They feel that no matter how much they learn, it will never be enough for them; this is when learning becomes their obstacle from achieving results. It is a wiser mechanism of avoiding moving into action. If you know that this is a pattern of yours and ongoing learning takes you away from achieving your tasks on time, here is my question to you (you can use this question with employees who hold this perspective); what is one step you can take with the information you already have?
Purpose and Meaning - are you missing clarity about the purpose or the why of moving into action? When we don't understand the purpose or meaning of something we need to act on, we don't move to action. This resistance will show up with the goals you set for yourself or others. This is the essential information and an opportunity for you to step back and ask yourself:
What is the purpose of this project?
What is essential for me about this goal?
What will people (or I) experience from sharing/creating/writing this message?
It can sometimes be hard to find all the answers on your own, and you will need help from a mentor or coach.
Maybe it's just not important enough? If you're resisting something or not moving into action, maybe it is time for an honest conversation with yourself and letting it go if necessary. The question I ask is straightforward: from 1 to 100 (1 being the lowest and 100 the highest), how much is this project important to you? Remember, no one sees or hears you, so be entirely honest with your wants, not your needs, have tos, or shoulds.
Maybe your goal is essential, but not now? When I look at my plan/goals, I can identify a project or goal important for me but not now. Allowing ourselves to decided: Yes! But not now is helping up making sure we focus and prioritize the now while freeing our headspace from distractions.
When we look at procrastination as something we don't do, we miss an opportunity to listen to our resistance's wise message.
Maybe procrastination can serve you? Perhaps it can help your creative juices flow or making you feel more in control? Time after time, my clients learn so much from slowing down and listening to their inner wisdom.
Maybe there is something you can learn from not acting on a specific task? Perhaps you can learn from checking in with yourself and paying attention to how you work? And maybe, just maybe procrastination is your intuition leading you towards YOUR way of heading to focused success?
When was the last time you had to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation? Can you remember how only thinking about that conversation impacted your energy levels. Whether it is uncomfortable conversations, solving a disagreement, or giving someone feedback, all these conversations have a negotiation component within.
Negotiation is a conversation where both sides need to achieve an agreement; if there is no disagreement, there is no negotiation or uncomfortable conversation. Period. Negotiation doesn’t begin until someone says no. Wouldn’t it be great if we can always have people agreeing with us?
The problem is that craving people saying yes to us and agreeing with us can get us stuck in the belief that negotiation is the act of doing our best to keep the other person from saying what they want to say: their no… This is why our mindset navigates the conversation on our hand towards hearing them saying what we want to hear – our yes. With that in mind, the way we address the exchange is from our want; for some, it will be by listening from our yes and ignoring what the other person has to say. For others, the negotiation conversation becomes a game they need to win; it is us against them, an either-or –– which can lead to a conflict. Therefore the question is not how do we handle a no response, but how do we turn the no go to let’s go! Let’s go is when we have an alternative solution that works for both sides.
When I hear clients want to find in our session the right strategy to convince a peer that his/her idea is not good for the organization. What I observe is that their focus is on convincing the other person that they are wrong. This mindset closes the door to a conversation before we even started it. No one likes to hear that what they are saying/thinking is wrong. “What if instead of worrying about what the other person will say or why we need to be right,” I ask my clients “we can shift our focus to the idea that no one gets to be wrong and no one gets to be right?”
What if we change the focus? What would it look like if the other person and you were both together against the conflict? What would be possible then?
Let’s see the steps you can take to shifting your mindset from no go to let’s go together:
1. The concerns list.
When we think about the uncomfortable conversation we are going to have, many times, there are thoughts, concerns, and even emotions that play a crucial role in how we approach the conversation. Take a moment before you move into an action to pay attention to your being energy (your mindset and emotions) and write down all the concerns you have about the meeting. For example, concerns I hear from other clients many times:
“What if they don’t care about what I have to say?”
“What if they don’t respect my needs?”
Now let’s flip it and look at the other person. What would be the list of their concerns meeting with you? What would they write down?
Take a moment to write all their thoughts, frustrations, emotions, and beliefs.
Start with crossing over to their side. Look at the others' perspectives. Why might they have reacted to something you said or write the way they did? Why are they resisting your stance? There is undoubtedly a reason, and you’ll find that you will bring an open mindset perspective to the meeting when you take a moment to look at the world from their perspective.
2. “It is going to be hard” - What is the mindset you bring to the conversation
When thinking about the meeting, have you found yourself saying to another person or yourself before going to the meeting: “It will be hard,” or “I will need to fight to get what I want,” or “I know I will need to defend what I believe in.” Can you see how defensive and protective your view is in those moments? Without knowing what the other person will say, you look at the conversation from a heart at war.
We choose how we step into a room, are we ready to put on the boxing gloves, or are we willing to wait and see what the other person has to say? Perhaps all you will need is to explain your perspective rather than defend it? Maybe, just maybe it is going to be easy?
3. Know your boundaries?
We need to know where the conversation starts and what intention we bring, but it is also essential to know where it ends; there are some situations where conversations will not go toward an agreement. This is why it is vital to understand what will make us say the final no and know that this is the end of the path for us or that from here our managers need to keep the conversation. Managers’ intervention doesn’t mean that you are weak, sometimes asking for help is actually the smart way to go; there are many situations that your managers need to solve organizational barriers that our peer and us cannot solve.
When we want to reach mutual agreements, both sides work together to bring as much value as they can it requires paying attention to what the other person’s wants and needs are. This is not an easy task, but slow down and ask yourself: “if I could bring compassion and curiosity to the situation what that person wants and needs are?” even if you view their reasons as irrelevant, not serious, or not realistic, understanding their challenges will once again help you stop fighting them and work together productively so both of you can benefit from the conversation and create value for the organization (or system) as a whole.
I was honored to be featured at the Leadercast Website as part of their July 2020 topic: Influence.
Check my article here, or read it below.
Successful organizations have leaders who can quickly adapt to change. Yet there’s no manual on how to effectively influence employees to drive actions toward desired change.
Ever since we were kids, we were told that our actions made us good: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and do your homework before dinner.” As adults, we often see that the ones who are being promoted or recognized in our organizations are the ones who get things done, and we strive to do the same.
The problem is that there are some areas, like leadership, where actions are not enough. Acting without any awareness of who we are as leaders will not lead to the desired outcome.
For example, when you look at athletes during a game or contest—when the crowd is cheering for the other team and heckling them, or when they miss a shot and have to keep going, or when the final point of the game is all up to them—the one who wins is the one who can manage their Being energy while continuing with their actions. This is why I consider Being energy as a force because it can slow us down or help us thrive. When we want to influence others to join our ideas, what we really want to do is move others toward a desired change. The problem with change is that the bigger it is, the more emotions, thoughts, and concerns we have, which means that Being energy is taking up more space and slowing down our actions. One of my clients who led a large organizational change forgot that it took her a while to process her emotions and thoughts before the change was announced to employees. When she met with her new team, she forgot that these employees hadn’t had the time to process their thoughts and emotions like she did when she found out. And when she pushed the conversation toward action, she was met with sarcasm and no results. “They were so rude to me,” she shared with me after the meeting. I responded, “Remember a few months ago when you needed time to process your emotions and concerns surrounding the change? Have you paid attention to their Being energy?” In the next meeting, rather than rushing them to action, she said, “I understand there are some concerns with the new reality. How about we put the plan aside and have a conversation about how we feel and our concerns. I will start.” Being the first to share, her team opened up and shared their thoughts, too. Quickly after that, they were able to move into action without feeling rushed and trust was established in the process. Here are a few pointers that can help you influence people while addressing the Being force:
Clarity. Why is this change important? Does your team have clarity and understanding of why this change is needed? Don’t be surprised if people don’t have the desire to follow you in the change right away. Go back and do the work with a mentor or a coach to get clarity about your why, values and vision, and provide clarity to your team.
Rushing to action. When you sense resistance to change internally or externally, it is time to lean back and realize that your focus is on the Doing energy. Instead, dare to address the Being energy in the room and/or within. When you direct your energy to the Being force within or with others, you move to what I call BEyond leadership. Not only will you be able to influence and lead change again and again, but you will be able to open up and feel the momentum. You will see beyond yourself, beyond your values, and beyond your vision to now engage others in your leadership and help them grow into their best selves.
From my book- Beyond: Leadership from AwareLess to AwareNess, Dare to BE the leader you can be.
A few years ago, during a work break, I went to the kitchen (as I do every day since I mostly work from home). That morning, when I opened the refrigerator, I noticed something different: I wasn’t breathing. Okay, I was breathing, but I could sense that I was pressing my lips against each other so hard it was as if I was holding my breath before diving into deep water.
I must say that I became very curious about this kitchen experience; what made me press my lips together this way? The more I observed myself, the more I was amused with my doing and how I was with my actions.
Apparently, during that time, my concern about the progress of a project I was working on kept me from breathing! I closed the refrigerator door and did something I had been resisting for a long time: I took a big breath.
It was a choice, a choice to shift from where I was- concerned and worried to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe- to a new doing and being where I chose to close the refrigerator and focus on breathing. I didn’t know that this moment would teach me one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned and will teach so many of my clients: taking a big breath is what moves us to be in control of our choices.
Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage our emotional states and bounce back, mainly when our emotions run high.
We all have different methods to remind ourselves what we need to do: Post-it Notes, electronic calendars, and phone alarms can all serve as reminders for the actions we need to take, but how can we remind our being energy (the emotions. thoughts and concerns) to bounce back when we feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, or let our self-limiting belief hold us back? Centering techniques can help us pause and move to a place of choice with our being energy. Pause is the space in between that moves us from autopilot way of being to control our emotional choices and, therefore, our mindset in different situations.
Pause #1 Breath
Taking a big breath is not about the need to calm down, but about the pause. Breathing intentionally creates a moment of pausing. This pause allows us to ground ourselves and ask the big choice question: “Are we willing or wanting to shift?”
A few days after the refrigerator a-ha moment, I found myself lecturing my three kids during dinnertime . . . again. I could see myself saying the same blah, blah, blah that I used to say almost every dinner while my kids ignored me. That night, I chose to take a big breath intentionally. It wasn’t the big breath of “Let me bring the ‘oy vey’ guilt of a Jewish mother defeated again by her children’s daily behavior.” Instead, this breath allowed me to pause and choose, in this interaction, if I was going to stay with my daily routine and keep lecturing my kids, or shift to a new way of being/doing and be quiet. Everyone was waiting on me to keep going after the big motherly breath, but I didn’t.
In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that breathing brings us back to the present moment. That evening I learned that lecturing was more of a need for me than an action that brings value to anyone else at the table.
Pause #2 Tangible Reminder
A tangible reminder is an object that reminds us of how we can be our best selves. It is a reminder that what we feel or think is just a thought, and we can choose differently.
A research done by Millward Brown, a global leader in brand advertising, found that tangible, printed materials produced deeper engagement versus digital materials. The printed material evoked more brain activity associated with the integration of sight and touch. It gave a more robust emotional response that suggests a healthier memory formation and a deeper connection with personal thoughts and emotions.
This is why touching or looking at a tangible reminder can be so helpful when we want to move into a state of choice.
Here are a few ways you can use tangible reminders:
Touching an object on your body: wearing a piece of jewelry like a bracelet, necklace, ring or a watch, and touching upon feeling stressed, and can help center yourself. If, like many of my clients, you feel nervous before speaking to management or peers, touching a tangible object or jewelry in your pocket can be useful. When you touch the item, it is a reminder that things can be different, that you can shift, it can help you relax and center yourself without anyone knowing that this is what you do. It is a simple yet essential action step that can help you regulate your emotions or shift your mindset and lower your stress levels or nervousness.
Look at an object: Rather than touching the item, you can choose to look at something. For some people looking at a tangible reminder can be as powerful as touching an object to lower the stress levels and bounce back.
Here are a few ideas:
Desktop picture - A picture on your smartphone lock screen or computer screen
A key charm
A rock, or seashell
Sentimental toy or decorative object you can put on your desk
A quote
A plant
Pause #3 - Centering word
As with a deep breath, a tangible reminder centering word/sentence is another centering technique that can help you pause and move into choice. One of my clients combined the action step of touching a tangible reminder with a centering word; she came up with the plan of touching her watch while saying, “It’s time.” It’s all she needed to escape conflict and bounce back from a high emotional state.
When we let the emotions and concerns react and lead the way in a situation that takes us on the wrong path of actions, it can be a red flag for us that we might need to explore a new way of being that can bring new results. Centering techniques take just a few seconds, and will not only lead to a calm, centered, clear, way of being, we will also see new actions. Train yourself to be more mindful, bit by bit, and you will see the results in the way that you lead your way of being rather than letting the unwanted emotions lead you.
Of course, you can use only one centering technique or engage all three: breathing, touching a tangible object, and saying a word. Centering yourself can help you feel grounded, calmer, and able to respond articulately and clearly when you feel nervous or unable to control your thoughts and emotions.
Some say it takes 21-30 days to create a habit, but it will only take 3 seconds to breathe. So right now, close your eyes and take a deep breath and start the journey of being at a choice.
Meditation. If you read the first word and groaned, you’re probably not alone. Actually, I can admit that I was tired of hearing about meditation and its infinite benefits. I was yawing when my friend shared how meditation changed their life and helped them feel centered and grounded. Hippies!
What’s so great about meditation anyway? What’s the point of meditating?
Bruce Lee said: “Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless – like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Be water, my friend.”
The word that shifted my mindset around meditation and caught my attention was: focus. In my previous “how a morning routine can help you stay focused,” I shared that the essence of feeling focused is your ability to stay present with others and your goals by creating awareness. There are different practices that can help you learn to work on the muscle of being present and create awareness, all start with practicing mindfulness. One of those mindful practices is meditation.
Why is that? Meditation allows you to sift through your thoughts, and to give yourself more clarity to carry with you throughout your day. According to an article by Yoga International, “In meditation, the mind is clear, relaxed, and inwardly focused. When you meditate, you are fully awake and alert, and your mind is not focused on the external world or on the events taking place around you.” Think of this state of consciousness as a deer when it is trying to avoid danger. It is focused on all of its senses, and it is completely aware of its surroundings in order to make sure that while it eats grass, no one will eat him. This is what you are trying to achieve from within.
Since I craved more focus with my work and life, I felt that there might be value in exploring meditation, especially when other things I tried didn’t help; Working out didn’t help, journaling was helpful but not quite enough. Surprisingly meditation, especially before I gave a talk, did the trick. And this shift with only five minutes of my day.
Impressive right?
This is when I started introducing meditation to some of my clients, especially executive clients who struggled with focus. I was surprised to see how two to fifteen minutes of meditation a day moved them from overwhelmed and stressed to manageable and then sustained.
There are many different kinds of meditation. Here are a few different kinds of meditation you can try out with the help of YouTube tutorials, or meditation apps like Calm and Headspace
1. Breath Awareness: as it sounds, this technique focuses all of your attention on your breath. You can even try to see how few breaths you can take- breathe in really deeply, hold your breath, and exhale for as many seconds as possible.
2. Alternate Nostril Technique: cover one nostril, breathe through the other, and then switch. This will make you conscious of your breath and is known to assist with anxiety, stress, and insomnia.
3. 4-7-8 Breathing Technique: inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 7 seconds, and exhale for 8 seconds. This is an ancient meditation, and it another great way to bring consciousness to your breathing.
4. Body Scan: bring consciousness by scanning your body. Start with your head and work your way all the way down to your toes. Imagine breathing into each area you are focusing on, and focus on the way the different body parts are feeling.
5. Guided Meditation: if you are having trouble focusing and find your mind wandering, try using an app or YouTube video to guide your meditation with a calm voice
6. Mantra Meditation: The word "mantra" means “to deliver or free the mind.” When you meditate with a mantra you pick an inspiring mantra and repeat it in your head over and over until your meditation session is complete. One of the most well-known ones is:
Hare Rāma Hare Rāma
Rāma Rāma Hare Hare
Hare Kṛṣṇa Hare Kṛṣṇa
Kṛṣṇa Kṛṣṇa Hare Hare
Kali-Saṇṭāraṇa Upaniṣad
Hare Krishnas believe that the sound-vibration of the mantra has a direct impact on the soul. According to a philosophy of ancient India, the soul is spiritually asleep. Just as an alarm clock awakes a sleeping person, the Hare Krishna mantra awakens the soul to its spiritual reality and connects it with god.
When?
Okay! So, you might be convinced now to give it a try – but not the big question is when do you have the time to engage it to your day? Your days start early and end late. Here are a few of the solutions my clients designed:
Before you start/end your day – there are many articles about the power of morning routine, many successful people start their day with the same routine that includes meditation. What I have seen is that the earliest of the morning actions the meditation can be the easiest it is to do it and engage it into your day. You can also choose to close your day with meditation and engage into it self-reflecting, and gratitude.
While commuting to work - Commute by train/bus to your office? Use an app or set time to breathe while commuting.
Walking – listen to one of the audio options of guided meditation from apps, through YouTube, to company wellness resources while walking to or from your office. You can even use it after you end your run, walk, hike or workout at the gym.
In your car when parked - When I have days with back to back meetings, after I park my car and close the engine, I will stay in my car for 2-3 minutes and breathe before I move to the next meeting.
In your office – take 2 minutes after or before lunch time to breath. The 4-7-8 breathing can be perfect for a few moments break in your office.
Still not a fan? That’s okay. There are many alternative activities you can try out that others call “meditative activities” such as:
● Listening to calm music
● Focusing on the different individual instruments
● Yoga
● Art
● Playing an instrument or playing a game
● Running
● Walking
● Journaling
● Cooking or Baking
● Reading
● Gardening
Remember! Meditation or meditative practice is less about being perfect and more about engaging activities that can help you to become calmer by navigating through your inner thoughts. In whatever way you choose to practice meditation, don’t look at it as a waste of time, but rather as an investment in yourself, so you can quiet your mind.
As J. Donald Walters said: “The more regularly and the more deeply you meditate, the sooner you will find yourself acting always from a center of peace”
Focus. The center of interest, our ability to pay particular attention to someone or something and see clearly.
I was a machine of getting things done. If you gave me a complicated project, my brain would know how to break it down and make it simple. Like a photographer who looks at the view and knows in their head what the picture should look like, it was as if I aimed my camera lens while squinting my eyes as narrowly as possible so I could see all the steps clearly in my head.
Then one day the focus flew out the window. Having my own business taught me that it is so much easier to deliver when I am part of the team. But working on my own? I lost my ability to commit and see results.
How come?
Like many other skills that business owners must learn to become better at what they do, I did a deep dive to help myself understand what some actions I could take in order to overcome my challenge with staying focused and on track were.
One of the things that showed up repeatedly was a morning routine: from Warren Buffet to Ariana Huffington, many successful people had created a morning routine that would feed their energy and help them stay focused.
When I brainstorm, with my clients, ways to help them stay focused, I always bring up the morning routine. As Tim Ferriss says, “If you win the morning, you win the day.”
Think less about the time and more about the return on your investment. Yes, some people have a three-hour morning routine: they wake up early, drink water, do a hardcore workout, and then meditate for at least 20-30 minutes. Some even pray, shower in cold water, journal. Many will write down their goals for the day and add on gratitude journaling and then move on to breakfast unless they follow intermediate fasting.
Some will do their emails from home quietly while others will not touch their emails until later in the day. The morning routine is their personal development, self-care and it helps make sure their energy is high and they are focusing on their vision and goals.
If, like many others, including me, you have a need to boost your energy and want to feel less distracted and more focused, let’s review a few of the steps you can take to explore what can be your morning routine.
Waking Up
That was one of the hardest steps for me. I was (and still am) a night owl. On average, I slept five hours a night. With three little kids, I was tired all the time. It was fine when I lived, worked, and walked in the Big Apple. When we moved to the suburban way of living, I attended a wellness workshop and learned the sad news that sleeping less than six or seven hours not only screwed up the way my body burned the fat when I worked out, but it was also dangerous to my children. You see, driving with so little sleep was scientifically as if I was driving after drinking two glasses of alcohol! That was enough motivation to say goodbye to almost 40 years of late-night work.
Some might say that to be successful with what you do you should wake up at 5 am, even 4am. And maybe you are one of the lucky ones who hop out of bed when the alarm clock strikes four. If so, congratulations. But it shouldn’t feel like getting up is the worst part of your day. Remember, your morning routine is about setting the tone for the rest of the day. You need to wake up at the right time for you. The key here, however, is to stick to that wake-up time every single day of the week, including the weekend, and to get at least seven hours of sleep.
Cheat Sheet: Getting Ready
Getting ready for the day can be more efficient when you take a few moments to prepare for your next day the night before. Set an alarm clock half an hour before you want to get to bed. Some people will even need more than one hour to transition to bed. On the nights I know I will start my morning with a run or another workout routine, I will make sure my workout clothes are waiting for me, ready to go. Seeing the workout clothes in the morning is a commitment to the night-Noa who laid them out the night before and who I will stay accountable to in her plan because I know how easy it is for me to get off track. Staying committed to my night goals keeps my energy up, I know I am aligned with what is important to me: I walk the talk, and I am a woman of my words.
Mindfulness Routine:
Focus is about feeling centered, it is about being mindful and aware of your choices, and beyond anything else, it is about being present with what needs to get done and with others.
Mindfulness, in a nutshell, is the actions we take to become more aware and present with ourselves.
The list to practice mindfulness is long:
Walk
Run
Yoga
Writing
Playing (box game) or an instrument
Creative work
Meditation
Praying
Working in the garden
Journaling
Gratitude
Nutrition and drinking water
Different people find value in different activities. This is where experimentation comes into the picture. My approach, after speaking with people who teach meditation, yoga and other mindfulness practices, is that it is less about the time and more about the consistency. But first, you have to learn what works for you and what doesn't. Like with food allergies or sensitivities, when people limit what they eat, after a few weeks they can add it back and see, by tracking what they eat every day, how they feel mentally and physically, and whether some symptoms are back. I suggest doing the same when you engage in mindfulness practices into your day. See how those activities impact your physical health, your emotional well-being, and your goals for the day. For example, if you choose to wake up every day at 6:30, and then meditate for 2 -5 minutes, track how your days look when you engage in these activities and how they look when you don’t. For example: How is your day when you engage in the activity? Does meditation help you sleep better or be more present with your work? Are you more focused and less emotional during the day after clearing your thoughts and emotions through journaling? Are you more energized when you work out? If you do miss a day of your morning routine, don’t be upset. Use this as an opportunity to track any difference that occurs when you remove whatever activities you were practicing.
Goal Setting
The vicious cycle of emails. No matter how hard you try to reduce your emails, there are always more. It is so easy to distract yourself and start your day with emails. Before you open your inbox, take a moment to look at your day and set intentions for the day and week. What are one to three goals you would like to achieve today or this week? Having a shortlist of goals forces you to stay focused. Long lists are great to see the big picture, but on a daily basis choose between one to three you would like to accomplish and stick with them. Having these goals written down and planned out is going to allow you to stay focused, feel more productive, and motivated- and, in the long run, accomplish more.
Experiment to Find Your System
There is no right way to find your perfect morning routine. It took me almost two years to find mine. First I had to work hard to switch my internal clock from a night owl to early bird and only then I was able to add on. I don’t need to work out first thing in the morning; I didn’t find it to be of much value for keeping me focused throughout the day. However, I do need a certain amount of specific workout routines throughout the week in order to feel good, feel more energetic, and to stay focused. Others will find working out in the morning to be the most important component to make their day perfect for them.
At the end of the day, we are different people with different needs. What makes me stay focused might not be of value to you. Be willing to experiment until you find what works for you.
Most importantly, the key here is to start your morning by setting a tone for what you want your day to look like, as well as to take care of yourself before you dedicate the rest of your day to your work, your family, or whatever else is consuming your attention.
I am not a fan of the term “work/life balance.” Why? Let’s look at the definition of balance: “a state where things are of equal weight or force.” Just as I don’t believe in the idea that we can be happy all the time, I also do not believe that we can have a schedule equally distributed between the work and life, a perfect 50-50 split. Those unrealistic terms frame us in a mindset that is judgmental and deflates our energy.
So I would like to reframe the idea of work-life “balance,” I see work-life balance as energy. Energy is always moving, shifting, and changing. This is why it is not an uneven percentage that frustrates us, but rather our choices: what do we say yes to, and what do we say no to.
When we say yes to too many things, we start feeling like we don’t have control of our time and where we spend it. We feel as though we are spending our time on the wrong things. When we say yes to everything, we don’t feel accomplished or fulfilled or happy: we give more to others and there is no time left for what we need/want to do.
When we experience balance there is a sense of control, and we feel fulfilled and accomplished.
There are two main areas where I find that it is helpful for my clients and me to achieve more balance in life and feel a sense of control.
1. Pay attention to your choices – what do you say yes to and what do you say no to.
Saying NO - Sometimes when I head for a quick stop at the supermarket, I look at the big cart or the shopping basket and disregard them “I am only getting milk and bread” I tell myself. But then I pass by the fruit section and see a delightful pack of green grapes that I know my kids enjoy, and then I pass by the cans isle and grab two tomato sauce cans, “It can be a good idea for dinner tonight.” Like my supermarket juggling, having too many things in my hands knowing that in a moment everything will fall down, we do the same with life and work. We say yes to too many things and then we are surprised why we have no time left for what we want or need to do.
If we flip the coin, in his book Essentialism, Greg McKeown, mentions that before we say yes, we need to take a step back and ask ourselves: “What is the main thing I want to see on the path I am walking toward? Is what I am doing essential to reaching my long-term goals or self-care?”
Saying Yes to the “right” things – business, distractions, reactive-fixing problems mentality along the day- makes us forget to take a step back and ask ourselves: “Where are my organization and I heading? What are the small goals we need to take in order to head there?”
Asking these questions will move us from saying yes to the wrong things. Sometimes we say yes to the wrong things because it feels that saying yes to that would be easy to accomplish (especially when it is complicated for others), or maybe because it is comfortable for us. Not only those wrong yeses take us nowhere. They have no value and distract us from seeing the results we want. Yeses should not be the easy and comfortable path, but the ones that will help us grow and bring value to our career and life path.
2. Design your boundariesMy client once said to me, “As a Human Resources manager, it feels like there is always someone asking me questions, and now, with my newest team member on the team, it is really hard for me to get things done.” In her role like many roles that cater to others’ needs, her door was always open: figuratively, and literally. It was hard to get to the point where she could sit quietly and focus on doing her work, planning, designing, even answering emails. Her days became longer and she arrived home too late to enjoy her two toddlers.
The open-door policy is important in communicating to others that you are accessible and available to support them, but for some people, especially the givers, the ones who are always willing to stop everything they do and help others, they find that there is no time left to accomplish their work. This is when they get in trouble, some will even become bitter and resentful. My client felt this way.
“Can I say that from listening to you it sounds that you have some challenges with boundaries?” She nodded in agreement and replied: “Yes, I feel it is hard for me to say no with my words and actions to others.” I asked her to physically draw how the boundary line between her and others looks. “Ha!” she smiled, “as uncomfortable as it is admitted to you, I have no line, at times it might be a very thin line, maybe even dotted – that’s why I never get to do anything, I communicate to people that they can take my time and attention whenever they want.”
We worked together to draw the different boundary lines she wanted to have with different people and in different situations. “You know,” she said, reporting back to me in the next session, “I learned that those lines were meant for me and not for other people. The moment I had them in my head I was able to say no to people or ask them to come back in 2 hours when I am done working on the monthly report. It was actually liberating.”
Whether you feel low-energy because you focus on the wrong goals or spend your time first on others with none left for yourself, take ten minutes to sit down and answer the questions:
What are some actions you are saying yes to because they are easy or comfortable, but bring you no value (non-essential)?
What are the actions you want to focus on? They might be less easy, maybe not as fun, and maybe even scary but will take you to where you want to be.
Are you juggling too many things in your hands right now? Maybe it is time to bring a shopping cart and move some of the things there? You can do that by delegating (to your family or employees), Or you can choose to put things back on the shelf - they are not needed right now and you can buy them at another time.
Remember the key to balanced energy is your ability to make hard choices of what stays and what goes. Does it always bring you joy? No, is it essential? I hope so.
What can you learn from your answers to these questions?
Many times, when I speak with leaders, I sense that the higher they climb the leadership ladder the lonelier they might feel.
Isolation. I remember the first time I heard that word related to my life context. A few years after our relocation, someone I met told me that I probably have a deep sense of isolation. Leaving our family, friends, and my career behind was a very isolating experience for me. Until that person used the word ‘isolation’, I knew there was a feeling, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. But that person nailed it. They were able to express the word I couldn’t find in order to explain what I had felt for so long. Isolation is one of the deepest experiences you have after relocation, not only do you feel alone and isolated, but you tend to isolate yourself. Not because you plan to do so, it is just a natural way to be when you have the feeling that every time you leave your house you are different than everyone else around you.
The second time I chose to use the word isolation was during my last leadership role. You see, there is that unique paradox in leadership. Leaders lead, and when they lead others, they need to connect with them. They need to communicate their passion and vision so people will choose to follow them. When you enjoy leading processes and people this is an exciting experience, but mostly you cannot escape the challenge and sometimes the challenge becomes a drama. I could sense in some moments how I escalated when I stepped onto the path of a challenge with another person, or a difficult situation. I can even sense how I want to dive into the drama. But with experience, you learn how to manage yourself and see what your options are in the situation. But here is the thing, many times when you are in a challenge, you are there all alone. Sometimes your friends are part of the organization and you choose not to gossip about the situation, and again, the higher up you go the harder it becomes to share your challenges. Some leaders sharing their challenges might look like they share their weaknesses, a path they are not willing to take. So, what’s left? A mentor or a coach can help you go through the experiences and learn what you can do better, or help you make a new choice, make a different decision, or show up differently. These are one or two hours in a timeline of many constant struggles, where the leader feels alone. This is when the sense of isolation showed up again, but this time I knew I needed to support myself, especially as an extrovert persona who needs to talk through her challenges with others.
Here are a few simple ways to overcome isolations that worked for me:
1. Accountability Partner - An accountability partner is someone who helps you to achieve your goals. Like any relationship, you need to find the person who will be committed to the process. My accountability partner and I meet once a week to discuss our weekly goals and beyond. When a challenge or opportunity meets us along the way, this is our safe space to consult with each other, brainstorm ideas, and help each other become our better selves. I heard about different ways to work with an accountability partner; for example, you both meet remotely or face-to-face to work on a specific task. You share what task you will accomplish in the next hour; an hour later, share your accomplishments. Remember, in any relationship; you need to discuss with your accountability partner how this partnership is going to look and how you both need to stay committed and accountable to the process. It is not an easy process to find the right person, but it can help you feel supported and accomplished when you do.
2. Mastermind Group - There are many definitions or ways of setting up a mastermind group. I see it as an opportunity for a group of people to share perspectives, encourage each other, and help each other grow. I wanted to have conversations with diverse leaders and business owners from different business areas and views. The main thing that connects us all is our desire to be challenged by others, a willingness for a new perspective, and a deep want to grow as people. It is impressive to see the changes that each of us went through since we started this group, and this is one of my favorite meetings each month. Something is compelling about knowing that others have the same challenges as you, and their visions, creations, and willingness to share are incredibly inspiring. Everyone finds value in these conversations and, most importantly, a new perspective of how they saw their personal or work situation. The most exciting thing was to see how everyone would leave the room with a boost of energy, no matter how they stepped into the room.
This is when a new idea started percolating. What if I could utilize the structure I have created in different Mastermind groups and we could meet outside? There is nothing better than facing your challenge in nature with other bright minds around. Today, I lead a few Mastermind Groups a year for Social Business Leaders and Executives. They are all confidential, and in each one, it is so exciting to see how much the group members become each other’s cheerleaders, supporters, and some even become good friends.
I believe with all my heart that the more leaders connect with each other rather than isolating themselves, the more impact and influence they will create in our community and beyond.
My question to you is what is how can you keep showing up for yourself to achieve your goals? What can help you stay accountable?
“Have you considered Networking?” How many of you made the same face my clients or others make when I ask them this question?
I know, I know, there are rare people, somewhat like the lions in the savannah that when I ask the Networking question answer with joy and spark in the eyes: “I love networking, bring it on!” Yes, there are a few of those, but many people do not enjoy networking.
In this article, I would like to invite you to consider a new way of approaching networking. A new intention to how you approach networking if I can suggest.
A few weeks ago one of my clients burst into a long monologue about how much they hate networking. Hate it with passion. I get it. Believe me, I do. I didn’t like to network too and I am an extrovert…Here are the main buts I hear again and again from people and how you can overcome them.
“But I am an introvert…”Most people who don’t like to network feel that networking is about a shallow conversation, and if you are one of the people who define themselves or the assessment defines you as an introvert you probably will say: “But I am an introvert, I am just not good with networking.”
If you have no idea what is all the introversion extroversion conversation let me sum it up. Introverts are the ones who get energy from being alone and take time for internal processing before they talk, while extroverts get energy from being with others and process their thoughts while talking out loud. Now, some people got this all introvert idea wrong, introverts are not shy people, many of them are leaders and speaker. I see the difference between the introverts and extroverts as energy. Extroverts get energy from being with others while extroverts give to others their energy. What it means is that if you are an introvert, it is not that you are bad at networking, you just need to take time afterward to be alone and recharge since you gave a lot of your energy to others.
But I don’t like the feeling of selling myself When I started my coaching business I remember telling others that there is a big distinction between selling a product or service of others you believe in and selling yourself to others. This is an experience people have when they seek a job or when they need to sell their services as the owners and soulpreneur.
When we enter a room with this mindset and the assumption that what we need to focus on is selling ourselves we feel uncomfortable. But here is one of the most important points I have learned from people who are successful in networking.
The people who are successful in networking don’t sell ANYTHING when they talk with you they focus on listening to you so they can bring YOU value. So focus on having a conversation and get to know the other person., get curious about them, ask them questions and if you listen well you will also be able to bring them value.
But if I listen and ask questions how can others know what I do or looking for?Before I answer this question, let me ask you another question (this is what coaches do very well). When you come to a networking event or a meeting with another person, and the person who you are meeting with is talking about themselves for a big portion of the meeting, how does it feel?
When I ask these questions in a big room, I always get the same answers:
I feel unheard and invisible.
I think that they are using me to get what they want, but they don’t care about me.
They only care about their pitch they don’t care about people.
In the end, we all want others to listen to our wants and needs. We want to be seen, be heard, and acknowledged. Challenge yourself to keep asking questions until you learn something interesting about them and maybe even to identify what are the points that connect the two of you. This is a good way to share your story from their needs and create a deeper connection that brings value to both sides.
But I am better at one-on-one meetingsExactly! I am better with one on one conversations too. And this is also your goal at networking events: to identify the people at the networking event that you would like to meet with them afterward. because from what you have learned about them you can bring value to each other and even form partnerships. And yes! at times you will choose to meet just because you felt there is more to the conversation even though you know right now nothing will get out of it more than friendship, but friends can become your best referrals in the long term. Remember, networking is a long term game, don’t play the short run.
But if I spend so much time with a few people how can I reach as many as possible so they can help me?In the end, no one will help you if they don’t know you. People help people they know and trust. It is rare for a stranger to help you find a job, or support your business if they don’t know you. Ask yourself how likely are you to recommend someone on your running group who you meet and chat with twice a week vs. a person you met for a quick 5 minutes’ conversation in a networking event? This is why I teach my clients to attend the same groups consistently. There are many groups you can join or volunteer with; Meet Up is a great place to find your people. If you like to workout find a workout group if you have a hobby join a group of people who share your passion. If you have the time I would suggest volunteering with an organization, there is no better way to get to know people and leaders in the organization and your community than volunteering with a committee, the board, or other projects. As I mentioned earlier, networking is a long-run game, people who know you, see you every week and feel as you invested in them will invest in you and help you when the day comes because they know you, not because they met you once. Remember when you enter a networking event it is not about being a social butterfly; leaving with the largest number of business cards or meeting the most people in the room will not give you an advantage. On the contrary, it will harm you. What will bring value is your willingness to focus on giving value to others.
But it is tiring for me to meet so many people.If the idea of meeting so many people in a networking event sounds daunting, exhausting, and frustrating, here is a tip I share with my clients and my audience: “There is no networking police in networking events.” Let me suggest a different approach, rather than meeting all the people in the room and having short and non-meaningful conversations, go into a room and find one or two people that you can have a deep and meaningful conversation. After you had that experience, if you feel that your energy is low, go.
Yes, I give you permission to go.
Remember, no one is there to report your short attendance or how many people you met.
But I don’t need it I work in the same company for so many years…And one day you won’t, or you will not want to work in that company anymore. Here is the deal, finding a job is first and foremost about connections, whether if it is for a new opportunity in the company you work or in another organization. If we don’t take time to invest in these relationships when the day comes we will find that opportunities go to the peers that invested their time in networking with other leaders and members in the organization and beyond. Again - people help, support, refer people they know and trust if people don’t know you and trust you inside or outside the organization they will need to refer you, or introduce you or advocate for your success. Don’t wait like many of my clients until it is too late, it is NEVER too late to network even if you work in a company; Volunteer inside your company to support an initiative of interest, volunteer as a board member in an organization of interest or a professional association, join a mastermind group or join a group that can help you work on your skills like ‘toastmasters club’ (a speaking club). There are many ways to network even when you work full time.
You can see that there are many buts, but I believe and also see from the conversations with my clients and groups that the more they work on the muscle of networking the more energy they have to network with people. The more they network with the focus in mind on bringing value to others, the more opportunities and relationships they see for themselves and beyond.
“How are you today?” I asked Lisa when we started the session.
Lisa had the nervous smile I see many times when I work with executive clients. It is a smile that communicates to me: “I am here because I am committed to the coaching process,”
“What’s going on?” I asked smiling back.
“I have too many things pulling me in different directions right now that I am not sure what to tackle first, to tell you the truth – I don’t even have time to think about how am I feeling or doing right now.”
Lisa was overwhelmed. She was promoted a few weeks ago to the role of VP of Operations, her team size, due to an organizational change that has been tripled. She loves what she does, and she also wants to show her managers that they made the right decision promoting her and trusting her abilities. As you probably assume, she has so many tasks, so many new responsibilities, and she feels that she doesn’t have enough time, that she can’t possibly get everything done. Sounds familiar?
“Lisa, how about we try something that might help you feel more present and less overwhelmed?”
“Seriously? That would be fantastic, I am in!”
“Here is what we are going to do, Lisa, take your notebook or at least A4 paper.”
“Give me a sec!” Lisa said and grabbed paper big enough to do the exercise.
“Okay Lisa, here is what you are going to do, you are going to do what I call ‘a brain dump’ take as much time as you need to write down everything that is floating in your head right now: concerns, plans, to do, anything, and when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING, from work to personal from meetings to doctor appointments. Take as much time as you need I will wait quietly.”
I love seeing my clients getting everything out of their heads into the paper, some are going inwards quietly, thinking thoroughly while others sit on the edge of their chair filled with energy.
“Done!” Lisa said.
“How do you feel now?” I asked
“Oh gosh! I feel so much lighter, I actually feel relieved. I can see all the things I need to take care of, and actually, the picture on paper is not as bad as when it was in my head. There are a few areas that I now realize that if I delegate to other people it will be so much easier for me, than doing it myself.”
“Yes, when you can see everything that was in your head, you have a picture and you can start to identify some trends and then make decisions on them, or choose what new actions you can take. The problem with keeping the planning items in our head, especially in roles like yours, is that we make them bigger and then we feel overwhelmed and some can even feel anxious. On paper, we can see our reality with clarity.”
Here is why Brain dump can help you be more strategic about how you manage your time:
1. Work with your brain not against it.
Many of us use our minds to remember things. But as David Rock writes in his book Brain at Work, the brain is not meant to multitask and accumulate information, but to create and understand patterns and help us make them part of our habits, or autopilot actions. We’re not supposed to keep things in our brain, not multitasking when we do that we get in its way. So do your brain a favor and write down your vision, goals, tasks on a piece of paper, a tablet, a computer-however you do it, and let your brain work on what it needs to work. When a million thoughts, or even just a few, are clouding your mind, the situation seems much bigger and creates anxiety or concerns. Once you write them down, they seem a bit smaller. So if you’re ever having trouble sleeping due to thoughts or concerns, get out of bed, write them down, and you’ll be able to sleep peacefully.
2. Identify the Trends
Now that you can see everything you have on a paper, you can start organizing your thoughts, look for trends, and then plan your actions.
Look carefully, what are some areas you can set some boundaries with yourself and others? I find that many times it is not other people who no boundaries, but actually we are the ones who don’t have boundaries and say yes to everything others ask us to do. So start by asking yourself: Is this a task I should/need/have to do, is it 100% true? If it is not, maybe it is time for some conversation with self or your managers about priorities – where your time should be spent?
Beyond the should/have/need – what are the tasks you want to do? Have you accomplished them or maybe by not setting boundaries you are out of focus?
Now, there are times we choose to say yes to tasks that are not 100% for us to do if it is to create trust, build relationships, or any other reason. I get it, at times it makes sense to say yes, to things you mostly would say no to.
Another important trend to look for in your list is delegation – does everything on the list must be done by you? Maybe your child caregiver can set the doctor's appointment for you? Maybe your team members are ready to learn new skills or make decisions that look different than your approach or solution, but can still bring good enough results?
What can someone else on your team (or at home) do instead of you? Delegate the tasks instead of doing everything yourself.
The last important trend to look for are strengths – our strengths can help our ship to sail, but at times when we focus too much on our strengths it can get us in trouble. A few days ago I coached a client that problem solving is one of his top strengths, it worked well when he worked as a successful salesperson But now when he was promoted to lead a team of 20 people he realized in our conversation that focusing his efforts on problem-solving is the easy way to go, it is easy to go there and show his people how to solve a problem or focus most of his day on solving problems. At the same time, this focus actually pulling him from feeling focused or creating strategic processes with his team. “It is so much easier doing problem-solving than going to what feels more complicated, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t bring the results my managers expect from me now – making processes more efficient and my team more independent. This strength is getting in my way…” Pay attention – where do you spend most of your day? How one of your favorite strengths can get in your way from bringing the results expected from you.
3. Move from tactical only thinking to strategic planning
Like the laundry pile in our house, anyone who likes to write long lists knows that the list will always stay long; you can’t achieve everything on a list with dozens and dozens of tasks. One of the main problems with long lists is that our focus stays on solving problems, we add another item and another item, and rather than planning and being intentional with what we want to achieve we let the list mislead our way and be reactive. When you are acting reactively, you are not thinking about the big picture, and often causing more work for yourself in the future instead of being focused to get the job done. Plan your week and your day, be intentional and focused, and you will find yourself being more productive, wiser, and doing what you want with your time.
Being intentional with your time is thinking strategically, being reflective, delegating tasks, realizing how many meetings you can actually fit in a day, and giving yourself the ability to create personal time outside of work for yourself like self-care, working out, or doing 5 minutes meditation after lunchtime.
How can you work on this muscle so you take the lead on your list rather than the list misleading you?
The Zen approach – have 2-3 main goals. Start with yearly goals, and then move to 6 months’ goals, then go to your monthly, weekly, and daily goals.
Weekly look - Every Friday afternoon, or during the weekend or Monday morning look at your calendar and define 2-3 goals for your week that must be accomplished. Sometimes I even challenge my clients to focus on only one goal.
Every morning before you start your workday and BEFORE you open your inbox, identify 1-3 goals that must be accomplished for the day.
Pay attention goals can be as simple as walking home, or go on a walk for 15 minutes during lunch break for self-care, or finish the report you need to write for your manager and you have 1 hour to sit quietly and do it with no distraction. Never set goals that are not realistic, if you have back-to-back meetings, it is probably not a good day to work on your report or look at a strategic plan.
As one of my clients just told me: it always looks so big in my has, planning and breaking things to small chunks makes a difference, from feeling that I am not capable I see that I can. So what are you waiting for? take a piece of paper and get started with your brain dump, you probably have tons of great ideas stuck in your head after reading this article.
One of the benefits of working as a coach, at least as I see it, is that I can accomplish most of my work remotely. Working remotely means many video meetings. Whenever people see my video screen, they ask me about my colorful background.
You see, the whole wall behind my desk is filled with sticky notes. It is not decorative, though I do need a lot of color in my life. The sticky notes on the wall behind my desk are a live representation of my strategic business plan. I believe that having a business plan on my computer, stuck in a computer folder or file folder, doesn’t count. When it is on the wall you can SEE it. It is there bothering you, making sure you don’t ignore it and when you do ignore it, others who see it on your zoom wall keep reminding me to stay committed to my goals.
Why did I start using sticky notes?
When I started my coaching business, I bartered my coaching services with a woman who edited my first coaching blog. Beyond having editing skills, this woman, who was also a TV producer, suggested I try organizing my writing-thoughts using post-it/sticky notes. She told me that this is a tool they use as TV producers. On my way home from the meeting with her, I bought myself a colorful package of sticky notes. Since then, the sticky notes go everywhere with me, from coaching sessions to workshops to strategic thinking sessions. They help my clients organize their thoughts. The sticky notes are your tool to work on your strategic thinking muscle and then brainstorm ways to implement your vision.
Here is how I work with sticky notes:
Each idea gets one sticky note. It can be a word or a sentence. Do whatever feels right to you.
After you have a few notes on the table/wall/door, try to see if you can identify trends or specific topics.
When you start seeing some themes, group the ideas/word by topic.
Now that the sticky notes have allowed you to start creating connections between your ideas, you can move on to actions. Again, on each sticky note, you will write one action step.
Tips:
Color indexing – use colors to differentiate between different topics/themes, or between the title of each theme to the steps/ideas/goals you have. For example, all marketing goals and actions will be in one color. Another option is that you identify that there are a few different marketing goals like blogging, social media, and virtual/life networking. Then, each marketing goal will get a different color.
Workflow - when I listen to my clients, we can leave the session with a workflow. If your mind is wired to think in workflows, I would encourage you to take the next step with the information you have and organize your sticky notes as a workflow of your ideas.
Sticky notes are a playful way for us to take the thoughts we have in our heads that focus on the tactical side and make them more strategic. What’s cool about this tool is that when we put our thoughts on physical space and start moving them around, we can see the optimal organization of our ideas that have stayed too long in our heads. This is a different way of organizing our thoughts while still creating space for us to take a pause when we feel stuck and revisit what we have and move things around and see what makes the most sense for us.
If you haven’t yet played around with sticky notes, I hope it will inspire you to try this creative, strategic way of thinking, and if you share the same passion for sticky notes as me, let me guess… you probably love notebooks and pens too – I knew it! :-)
Ever since we were little kids we were taught to be good through our actions, we all heard the adults saying: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and share your toys.” So we learned the formula that our actions are what is expected of us and what makes us be seen and rewarded, so we act. But there are areas in life, like leadership, where actions aren’t enough. In fact, adopting the approach of jumping as fast as we can to fix problems will hold us back.
Why? You see, our autopilot tendency is geared toward doing what we know, fixing problems. Fixing problems distract our focus from intentional strategic thinking that requires slowing down, to reactive tactical solutions.
What is the difference between tactical and strategic thinking?
The definition of the word tactic is to plan, focus on tasks, or procedures that can be carried out; it may be part of a larger strategy. On the other hand, strategic thinking is a larger overall plan that can comprise several tactics. Essentially, tactics are the nitty-gritty details, while strategy is about the big picture. Tactics are an extreme close up of what is happening right now or very soon; the twig and sticks of the bird’s nest. Whereas strategic thinking is an expensive view, you can take a step back or beyond to spend time thinking about how the future should look like; like the bird meta-view when it flies above us. When we work as leaders, instead of simply looking at the current situation and reacting to what is happening in the right here right now, we need to expand our vision and be intentional. Instead of initial, reactive responses, we need to think our actions through in order for them to be meaningful and influence in the long term with impact and sustainable results.
How? lean back and slow down so we can listen.
In one of the first sessions with a new client, she asked me to help her “design a plan to convince the IT team manager that her solution for the marketing process is the right way to go.” Notice the words: my solution, and the right way to go. Instead of working to solve the problem her right way, I invited my client to go back and listen. Listening can be hard when we have a solution. We want to fix, get over and move to the next item on the to-do list. When we believe that our way is the best way, we lose the ability to be open and see what others in the room have to say.
Here are a few steps you can take to practice slowing down, leaning back and listening first so you can move toward an intentional way of being and doing:
1. Lean Back
When I’m cooking with my son, my impatient doer wants to take over and get things done. He will ask me how much oil to put in the pan and all I can think about is the mess that will be if the oil will spill on the floor. Let’s face it, doing it myself is faster and definitely cleaner - for now. It is tempting to want to take the bottle and keep things clean and let go of the stress the internal control freak I am sensing within. But this is my focus on the now. Yes, it was messy internally and on the stove, but giving him space allowed him to learn new skills. It wasn’t easy to remove myself and push her, the control freak within, as far as possible from the stove area and the pan. I had to find within the ability to overcome my tendencies and let him handle things slowly, and even fail. Not only can he cook by himself and save me the cooking time and cleaning time, but he also has enough confidence to come up with creative recipes of his own that I never would have thought of. Let your tendencies and autopilot lean back and lean in by taking time to listen.
2. Listening without misleading toward your solutions
One of the best ways of leaning back while focusing on listening is by asking questions. Questions that focus on being curious about the wants, needs, and ideas of others can remove us from listening to ourselves to listening to others. The problem is that most of the time when we shift to listening and asking questions, the voice inside us that wants others to follow our solutions and show others that we are right. This is when the questions we ask lack curiosity, filled with judgment, and focus on leading to the right solution we have in mind. What can you do?
Stop using leading questions - leading questions, or as we probably should refer to them - misleading questions, are questions we ask to lead people toward our solutions, or toward our want for others to see that we are right. Questions like: “why do you think your idea is practical?” makes me question your question, what you are actually saying without saying is: “show me why your idea is good because, from my worldview, I believe that my idea is better than yours.” Another leading question is a question that has the solution within: “How can you stay away from using the report you suggested?” or “Do you know that by using this report you can do X, Y, and Z?”
Why vs What questions - One of the best ways of asking exploratory questions is by staying in curiosity. There are two main ways to stay in curiosity, the simplest but not the easiest one is to ask “What” questions instead of “why” or “how” questions. “Why” questions communicate without words to others that we believe our solution is better when you ask why questions, it is as if you’re saying: “I already know the right answer, and it is your turn to explain to/show me why you are not wrong.” What questions, on the other hand, come from a place of curiosity and exploration. “What are your thoughts on this idea?” “What are your ideas for solving this problem?” “What task would you be most comfortable executing?” or as simple as: “I am curious, what….?”
Pay attention next time you ask questions; when you ask WHY questions do you see people defending their idea or feel frustrated with you? When you ask WHAT questions do you see people taking a short pause, and even look surprised? Is there openness and willingness to explore together?
3. Lean Back Again
Each time you want to go faster and lean toward a solution ask another ‘What’ question. Challenge yourself to keep asking “what” questions again and again and again. Stretch yourself to explore as many perspectives, possibilities, and ideas.
4. Check the Energy in the Room
The leaders who know it all, who have all the solutions, focus on educating, explaining, and solving problems. If you have a tendency to teach and educate your team you might notice that when you take over the conversation the people in the room are less engaged, and go inwards. On the other hand, when you focus on asking questions, explore, invite people to find solutions to gaps you or your team identified -people are more engaged, they come up with solutions (maybe not your favorite ones, but when others come with solutions they also take ownership of leading the process.
Pay attention: How comfortable your team or peers are when you stretch yourself to be in curiosity? How engaged are they in the conversation? Do you suck the energy from the room, or does it feel specious? Are people stiff and holding back, or are they talking casually like they would to equals? Do they want to keep the conversation because they feel heard and seen, or are they defending and reacting and even triggered? If you sense that the energy is low, you have a choice: you can keep sucking the energy and explain and educate, or you can shift and let them find the answers. People are resourceful and can reach out to you when they need your help.
Leaning back, listening, asking questions, leaning back, even more, asking more questions, and listening while being present with others’ solutions allow others to feel empowered, resourceful, and engaged. Not only others will take ownership of the solutions they find, but it will also open up space and time for you to focus on planning and being intentional for the long term solutions while others focus on the tactical approach.
Here you are - asking yourself whether you or your company should hire an Executive Coach to support you or a few people on your team. This professional interaction can provide a great opportunity for self-development, to take you from good to great, and to dare yourself to be the leader you want to and can be for your team and organization as a whole.
I gathered all the information I think you should know before you hire or consider hiring an executive coach. This information comes from questions I receive from new clients, people who reach out after they see me speaking in conferences, people who are watching my social media videos, or people reading my book and articles. Here are the six things you should know about executive coaching.
Let me take a step back and share the ICF (International Coach Federation - the international coaching association) definition of coaching: “Coaching is a thought-provoking and creative partnership that inspires clients to maximize their personal and professional potential, often unlocking previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity, and leadership.”
An executive coach builds on these fundamental skills by helping the executive become aware of their leadership blind spot so they can achieve their personal/organizational goals and see consistent results.
Mostly the coach and executive will decide on a few coaching goals to focus on for four to six months.
With all the personal and emotional professionals out there, it can be confusing to understand what the difference between a coach and other professionals is. So let’s take a moment to make the distinction between the different professions.
Therapists identify the past events that are getting in your way of moving forward.
Consultants help you solve a specific problem by following steps they designed themselves and believe to be the best method. This mostly comes from their own experience.
A mentor is someone who walked the path you want to walk and helps you, from their own personal experience, to move toward this goal.
Coaches help you close the gap between where you are right now and where you want to be. The coach does that by asking powerful questions that help you find clarity so you can move forward.
Being a leader, I knew that at times there are situations I can’t share with my peers, friends, and even with my husband. Executives are exposed to information that can be delicate or might feel very uncomfortable sharing with others. ICF certified professional coaches must abide by the ICF code of ethics, which requires the coaches to keep the coaching conversations with their clients confidential, no matter who sponsors the coaching. This is why even when organizations sponsor a coaching engagement, an executive coach is not allowed to share the conversation with their client. I can tell you that when my clients know that our work is confidential, we are able to have open-hearted conversations that allow a profound conversation
Being a leader and having experience as a change management consultant, I learned that the higher up you are in the organization, the less you can share. Working with an executive coach can help you bounce ideas off of a trusted partner, or to take time to brainstorms some solutions to a challenge or opportunity. Some of my clients found it easy to hide or not be seen or to move on without taking a moment to pause, celebrate, and Reflect. Unconsciously, they learned that it is better to shy away rather than getting in trouble or being seen and hurt others.
Having an executive coach can be a place to celebrate a breakthrough, promotion or success, especially if you overcome an obstacle or when you feel uncomfortable talking about it or celebrating it with your peers or even with your partner. It is important to sit with your wins and reflect on them too, as much as when you overcome challenges or mistakes.
When you come to the coaching conversation, you likely have one or two perspectives on a current situation. Being on autopilot you might not have been able to notice your blindspots, or maybe you were too busy to take the time and think about them. The coaching conversation allows you to explore a new perspective and even identify some areas you might have been lacking clarity in, especially when you talk with someone who holds an external perspective and is not engaged one way or another with the other personas in the organization.
In her study about self-awareness, Tasha Eurich found that the higher you are on the corporate ladder the less self-aware you are. Why is that? Her study shows that a big part of it is that the higher up you are, the fewer people will tell you what they think.
You know how important it is for you to receive feedback from your team and peers, still, according to a 2017 study from Quantum Workforce, about half of employees don't regularly speak their mind at work -- whether to colleagues or managers. I know how much I craved honest feedback or conversation without people holding back, and if this a need you feel has not been met, my promise to you is to always have an honest conversation with you where I share how I experience you.
As you can see from this article, executive coaching covers a wide spectrum of leadership skills: vision, strategy, techniques, and even wellness. Each executive coach has a unique methodology and a unique perspective of what can help their clients thrive. This is why most coaches offer a free coaching session to help you identify your coaching journey, and see if the methodology the coach is using and their style will be a good fit for you. Take advantage of this opportunity and speak with more than one executive coach to see who you feel can fit your needs and whom you feel comfortable speaking with.
To help you get ready in your preparation for hiring an executive coach, I gathered everything I discussed in this article to a one-page checklist. As a bonus, I also added important questions that can help you get better clarity of what are your main coaching goals, and what you should ask your coach in order to make sure they are the best fit for you.
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