From my book- Beyond: Leadership from AwareLess to AwareNess, Dare to BE the leader you can be.
A few years ago, during a work break, I went to the kitchen (as I do every day since I mostly work from home). That morning, when I opened the refrigerator, I noticed something different: I wasn’t breathing. Okay, I was breathing, but I could sense that I was pressing my lips against each other so hard it was as if I was holding my breath before diving into deep water.
I must say that I became very curious about this kitchen experience; what made me press my lips together this way? The more I observed myself, the more I was amused with my doing and how I was with my actions.
Apparently, during that time, my concern about the progress of a project I was working on kept me from breathing! I closed the refrigerator door and did something I had been resisting for a long time: I took a big breath.
It was a choice, a choice to shift from where I was- concerned and worried to the point where it felt like I couldn’t breathe- to a new doing and being where I chose to close the refrigerator and focus on breathing. I didn’t know that this moment would teach me one of the most powerful lessons I’ve ever learned and will teach so many of my clients: taking a big breath is what moves us to be in control of our choices.
Emotional regulation is the ability to effectively manage our emotional states and bounce back, mainly when our emotions run high.
We all have different methods to remind ourselves what we need to do: Post-it Notes, electronic calendars, and phone alarms can all serve as reminders for the actions we need to take, but how can we remind our being energy (the emotions. thoughts and concerns) to bounce back when we feel stressed, overwhelmed, afraid, or let our self-limiting belief hold us back? Centering techniques can help us pause and move to a place of choice with our being energy. Pause is the space in between that moves us from autopilot way of being to control our emotional choices and, therefore, our mindset in different situations.
Pause #1 Breath
Taking a big breath is not about the need to calm down, but about the pause. Breathing intentionally creates a moment of pausing. This pause allows us to ground ourselves and ask the big choice question: “Are we willing or wanting to shift?”
A few days after the refrigerator a-ha moment, I found myself lecturing my three kids during dinnertime . . . again. I could see myself saying the same blah, blah, blah that I used to say almost every dinner while my kids ignored me. That night, I chose to take a big breath intentionally. It wasn’t the big breath of “Let me bring the ‘oy vey’ guilt of a Jewish mother defeated again by her children’s daily behavior.” Instead, this breath allowed me to pause and choose, in this interaction, if I was going to stay with my daily routine and keep lecturing my kids, or shift to a new way of being/doing and be quiet. Everyone was waiting on me to keep going after the big motherly breath, but I didn’t.
In his book, A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle explains that breathing brings us back to the present moment. That evening I learned that lecturing was more of a need for me than an action that brings value to anyone else at the table.
Pause #2 Tangible Reminder
A tangible reminder is an object that reminds us of how we can be our best selves. It is a reminder that what we feel or think is just a thought, and we can choose differently.
A research done by Millward Brown, a global leader in brand advertising, found that tangible, printed materials produced deeper engagement versus digital materials. The printed material evoked more brain activity associated with the integration of sight and touch. It gave a more robust emotional response that suggests a healthier memory formation and a deeper connection with personal thoughts and emotions.
This is why touching or looking at a tangible reminder can be so helpful when we want to move into a state of choice.
Here are a few ways you can use tangible reminders:
Touching an object on your body: wearing a piece of jewelry like a bracelet, necklace, ring or a watch, and touching upon feeling stressed, and can help center yourself. If, like many of my clients, you feel nervous before speaking to management or peers, touching a tangible object or jewelry in your pocket can be useful. When you touch the item, it is a reminder that things can be different, that you can shift, it can help you relax and center yourself without anyone knowing that this is what you do. It is a simple yet essential action step that can help you regulate your emotions or shift your mindset and lower your stress levels or nervousness.
Look at an object: Rather than touching the item, you can choose to look at something. For some people looking at a tangible reminder can be as powerful as touching an object to lower the stress levels and bounce back.
Here are a few ideas:
Desktop picture - A picture on your smartphone lock screen or computer screen
A key charm
A rock, or seashell
Sentimental toy or decorative object you can put on your desk
A quote
A plant
Pause #3 - Centering word
As with a deep breath, a tangible reminder centering word/sentence is another centering technique that can help you pause and move into choice. One of my clients combined the action step of touching a tangible reminder with a centering word; she came up with the plan of touching her watch while saying, “It’s time.” It’s all she needed to escape conflict and bounce back from a high emotional state.
When we let the emotions and concerns react and lead the way in a situation that takes us on the wrong path of actions, it can be a red flag for us that we might need to explore a new way of being that can bring new results. Centering techniques take just a few seconds, and will not only lead to a calm, centered, clear, way of being, we will also see new actions. Train yourself to be more mindful, bit by bit, and you will see the results in the way that you lead your way of being rather than letting the unwanted emotions lead you.
Of course, you can use only one centering technique or engage all three: breathing, touching a tangible object, and saying a word. Centering yourself can help you feel grounded, calmer, and able to respond articulately and clearly when you feel nervous or unable to control your thoughts and emotions.
Some say it takes 21-30 days to create a habit, but it will only take 3 seconds to breathe. So right now, close your eyes and take a deep breath and start the journey of being at a choice.