Can you guess how many results Google shows for the inquiry "How to be a better listener"?

The correct answer is 67,100,000. Let's wrap our heads around that for a second... So many people who want to improve their listening skills.

But why? Why is it so important for us to work on our listening skills?

When you listen, you feel present with the other person; you focus on what they say, think, and feel rather than thinking on your to-do list.
When you listen, you can ask better questions and provide better guidance to your people.
When you listen, you can communicate to people that you care about what they say and curious to learn even more about their perspectives, thoughts, aspirations. As one of my clients said: when I come with my listening ears, I come without a plan, my only focus is the other person's thoughts and ideas.

Still, even though it is such an important skill to have, I can tell you that so many of my clients find listening challenging. Listening is not easy; most of us are wired to identify gaps and problems, suggest solutions, fix, act, teach, guide, and share our knowledge.

So how do you learn to listen at ease?

I will share my number 1 tip of all times; it works time after time as clients and friends share later with me. No matter their role, culture, or identity, they all report back with how much they love it.

Ready? All you need to do is replace your WHY questions with WHAT questions.

What?
Yes! Replace your questions that start with why with questions that start with the word what.

But Why?
Let me explain the why behind the what.

Let's take a journey back in time, to our childhood.
Remember when as a child you asked the adults:
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Why do I need to eat broccoli?"
"Why lying is wrong mom?"
Why-questions are great for helping kids to get a better understanding of the world around them.
Then, somewhere around high-school age, from trying to understand how things work, we start to form our opinions about the world and start developing their unique core values system, what we believe is right or wrong. This is why teenagers question everything we, the adults, do.
From our core values and perspectives and beliefs, we create opinions of what's right and wrong. And that's how we move from plain curiosity to crude judgment. When someone else thinks just like you, they become part of your team, but we label them as wrong if they happen to have a different perspective.
We are quick to judge when we listen, not because we feel inferior, but because our brain has already made its mind.
As much as why is sweet when we hear it from a child when adults ask why questions in the meeting room, what others hear is: "can you explain to me why I should believe your idea/solution is better than mine?" and they shift to play defense, Defense is not an answer to curiosity; a defense mechanism is a response to the judgment.

What?
On the other hand, when you ask What questions others feel, you want to genuinely understand where their idea/solution comes from, what questions communicate curiosity. It feels different.

Check it out
Next time, if your child does something silly, I invite you to ask them: "What made you do that?" instead of "Why did you do that?"
I promise you a delicious answer rather than a muted response decorated with some tears or one "because" or "I don't know."
If someone shares their idea or solution in the meeting room, maybe you don't see the reason or need behind it. try to change your question from: "Why do you think we should go with this solution?" to "What made you come up with this solution?"
Can you sense the different energy? I promise you they can.

Why vs. What, Curiosity vs. Judgement.
Why triggers my opinion, while What gives me the signal that you want to listen and even want to have a deeper conversation to understand where I come from and what I stand for. You communicate to me with one word that you want to learn more about me.

If you experimented with What questions and found value in this article, please share with your friends, or write in the comments what was your experience.