­Negotiation – three Ways to Reach Mutual Agreement

When was the last time you had to prepare for an uncomfortable conversation? Can you remember how only thinking about that conversation impacted your energy levels. Whether it is uncomfortable conversations, solving a disagreement, or giving someone feedback, all these conversations have a negotiation component within.

Negotiation is a conversation where both sides need to achieve an agreement; if there is no disagreement, there is no negotiation or uncomfortable conversation. Period. Negotiation doesn’t begin until someone says no. Wouldn’t it be great if we can always have people agreeing with us?

The problem is that craving people saying yes to us and agreeing with us can get us stuck in the belief that negotiation is the act of doing our best to keep the other person from saying what they want to say: their no… This is why our mindset navigates the conversation on our hand towards hearing them saying what we want to hear – our yes. With that in mind, the way we address the exchange is from our want; for some, it will be by listening from our yes and ignoring what the other person has to say. For others, the negotiation conversation becomes a game they need to win; it is us against them, an either-or –– which can lead to a conflict. Therefore the question is not how do we handle a no response, but how do we turn the no go to let’s go!  Let’s go is when we have an alternative solution that works for both sides.

When I hear clients want to find in our session the right strategy to convince a peer that his/her idea is not good for the organization. What I observe is that their focus is on convincing the other person that they are wrong. This mindset closes the door to a conversation before we even started it. No one likes to hear that what they are saying/thinking is wrong. “What if instead of worrying about what the other person will say or why we need to be right,” I ask my clients “we can shift our focus to the idea that no one gets to be wrong and no one gets to be right?”
What if we change the focus? What would it look like if the other person and you were both together against the conflict? What would be possible then?

Let’s see the steps you can take to shifting your mindset from no go to let’s go together:

1. The concerns list.

When we think about the uncomfortable conversation we are going to have, many times, there are thoughts, concerns, and even emotions that play a crucial role in how we approach the conversation. Take a moment before you move into an action to pay attention to your being energy (your mindset and emotions) and write down all the concerns you have about the meeting. For example, concerns I hear from other clients many times:

“What if they don’t care about what I have to say?”

“What if they don’t respect my needs?”

Now let’s flip it and look at the other person. What would be the list of their concerns meeting with you? What would they write down?

Take a moment to write all their thoughts, frustrations, emotions, and beliefs.

Start with crossing over to their side. Look at the others' perspectives. Why might they have reacted to something you said or write the way they did? Why are they resisting your stance? There is undoubtedly a reason, and you’ll find that you will bring an open mindset perspective to the meeting when you take a moment to look at the world from their perspective.

2. “It is going to be hard” - What is the mindset you bring to the conversation

When thinking about the meeting, have you found yourself saying to another person or yourself before going to the meeting: “It will be hard,” or “I will need to fight to get what I want,” or “I know I will need to defend what I believe in.” Can you see how defensive and protective your view is in those moments? Without knowing what the other person will say, you look at the conversation from a heart at war. 

We choose how we step into a room, are we ready to put on the boxing gloves, or are we willing to wait and see what the other person has to say? Perhaps all you will need is to explain your perspective rather than defend it? Maybe, just maybe it is going to be easy?

3. Know your boundaries?

We need to know where the conversation starts and what intention we bring, but it is also essential to know where it ends; there are some situations where conversations will not go toward an agreement. This is why it is vital to understand what will make us say the final no and know that this is the end of the path for us or that from here our managers need to keep the conversation. Managers’ intervention doesn’t mean that you are weak, sometimes asking for help is actually the smart way to go; there are many situations that your managers need to solve organizational barriers that our peer and us cannot solve.

When we want to reach mutual agreements, both sides work together to bring as much value as they can it requires paying attention to what the other person’s wants and needs are. This is not an easy task, but slow down and ask yourself: “if I could bring compassion and curiosity to the situation what that person wants and needs are?” even if you view their reasons as irrelevant, not serious, or not realistic, understanding their challenges will once again help you stop fighting them and work together productively so both of you can benefit from the conversation and create value for the organization (or system) as a whole.

Why the BEing energy is a Force that can Influence Others to Embrace Change / Featured Article on Leadercast Website

I was honored to be featured at the Leadercast Website as part of their July 2020 topic: Influence.

Leadercast gives you access to hundreds of short videos from CEOs, researchers, peers and experts for insights and solutions to conquer any leadership challenge that comes your way.

Check my article here, or read it below.

Successful organizations have leaders who can quickly adapt to change. Yet there’s no manual on how to effectively influence employees to drive actions toward desired change. 

Ever since we were kids, we were told that our actions made us good: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and do your homework before dinner.” As adults, we often see that the ones who are being promoted or recognized in our organizations are the ones who get things done, and we strive to do the same.

The problem is that there are some areas, like leadership, where actions are not enough. Acting without any awareness of who we are as leaders will not lead to the desired outcome.

For example, when you look at athletes during a game or contest—when the crowd is cheering for the other team and heckling them, or when they miss a shot and have to keep going, or when the final point of the game is all up to them—the one who wins is the one who can manage their Being energy while continuing with their actions. This is why I consider Being energy as a force because it can slow us down or help us thrive. When we want to influence others to join our ideas, what we really want to do is move others toward a desired change. The problem with change is that the bigger it is, the more emotions, thoughts, and concerns we have, which means that Being energy is taking up more space and slowing down our actions. One of my clients who led a large organizational change forgot that it took her a while to process her emotions and thoughts before the change was announced to employees. When she met with her new team, she forgot that these employees hadn’t had the time to process their thoughts and emotions like she did when she found out. And when she pushed the conversation toward action, she was met with sarcasm and no results. “They were so rude to me,” she shared with me after the meeting. I responded, “Remember a few months ago when you needed time to process your emotions and concerns surrounding the change? Have you paid attention to their Being energy?” In the next meeting, rather than rushing them to action, she said, “I understand there are some concerns with the new reality. How about we put the plan aside and have a conversation about how we feel and our concerns. I will start.” Being the first to share, her team opened up and shared their thoughts, too. Quickly after that, they were able to move into action without feeling rushed and trust was established in the process. Here are a few pointers that can help you influence people while addressing the Being force:

Clarity. Why is this change important? Does your team have clarity and understanding of why this change is needed? Don’t be surprised if people don’t have the desire to follow you in the change right away. Go back and do the work with a mentor or a coach to get clarity about your why, values and vision, and provide clarity to your team.

Rushing to action. When you sense resistance to change internally or externally, it is time to lean back and realize that your focus is on the Doing energy. Instead, dare to address the Being energy in the room and/or within. When you direct your energy to the Being force within or with others, you move to what I call BEyond leadership. Not only will you be able to influence and lead change again and again, but you will be able to open up and feel the momentum. You will see beyond yourself, beyond your values, and beyond your vision to now engage others in your leadership and help them grow into their best selves.

Lean Back - why Listening Will Move You From Tactical to Strategic leadership

Ever since we were little kids we were taught to be good through our actions, we all heard the adults saying: “Be a good boy and clean up your room,” or “Be a good girl and share your toys.” So we learned the formula that our actions are what is expected of us and what makes us be seen and rewarded, so we act. But there are areas in life, like leadership, where actions aren’t enough. In fact, adopting the approach of jumping as fast as we can to fix problems will hold us back. 

Why? You see, our autopilot tendency is geared toward doing what we know, fixing problems. Fixing problems distract our focus from intentional strategic thinking that requires slowing down, to reactive tactical solutions.
What is the difference between tactical and strategic thinking?
The definition of the word tactic is to plan, focus on tasks, or procedures that can be carried out; it may be part of a larger strategy. On the other hand, strategic thinking is a larger overall plan that can comprise several tactics.  Essentially, tactics are the nitty-gritty details, while strategy is about the big picture. Tactics are an extreme close up of what is happening right now or very soon; the twig and sticks of the bird’s nest. Whereas strategic thinking is an expensive view, you can take a step back or beyond to spend time thinking about how the future should look like; like the bird meta-view when it flies above us. When we work as leaders, instead of simply looking at the current situation and reacting to what is happening in the right here right now, we need to expand our vision and be intentional. Instead of initial, reactive responses, we need to think our actions through in order for them to be meaningful and influence in the long term with impact and sustainable results. 

How? lean back and slow down so we can listen.
In one of the first sessions with a new client, she asked me to help her “design a plan to convince the IT team manager that her solution for the marketing process is the right way to go.”  Notice the words: my solution, and the right way to go. Instead of working to solve the problem her right way, I invited my client to go back and listen. Listening can be hard when we have a solution. We want to fix, get over and move to the next item on the to-do list. When we believe that our way is the best way, we lose the ability to be open and see what others in the room have to say. 

Here are a few steps you can take to practice slowing down, leaning back and listening first so you can move toward an intentional way of being and doing:

1.     Lean Back
When I’m cooking with my son, my impatient doer wants to take over and get things done. He will ask me how much oil to put in the pan and all I can think about is the mess that will be if the oil will spill on the floor. Let’s face it, doing it myself is faster and definitely cleaner - for now. It is tempting to want to take the bottle and keep things clean and let go of the stress the internal control freak I am sensing within. But this is my focus on the now.  Yes, it was messy internally and on the stove, but giving him space allowed him to learn new skills. It wasn’t easy to remove myself and push her, the control freak within, as far as possible from the stove area and the pan. I had to find within the ability to overcome my tendencies and let him handle things slowly, and even fail.  Not only can he cook by himself and save me the cooking time and cleaning time, but he also has enough confidence to come up with creative recipes of his own that I never would have thought of. Let your tendencies and autopilot lean back and lean in by taking time to listen. 

2.     Listening without misleading toward your solutions
One of the best ways of leaning back while focusing on listening is by asking questions. Questions that focus on being curious about the wants, needs, and ideas of others can remove us from listening to ourselves to listening to others. The problem is that most of the time when we shift to listening and asking questions, the voice inside us that wants others to follow our solutions and show others that we are right. This is when the questions we ask lack curiosity, filled with judgment, and focus on leading to the right solution we have in mind. What can you do? 

• Stop using leading questions - leading questions, or as we probably should refer to them - misleading questions, are questions we ask to lead people toward our solutions, or toward our want for others to see that we are right. Questions like: “why do you think your idea is practical?” makes me question your question, what you are actually saying without saying is: “show me why your idea is good because, from my worldview, I believe that my idea is better than yours.” Another leading question is a question that has the solution within: “How can you stay away from using the report you suggested?” or “Do you know that by using this report you can do X, Y, and Z?”

• Why vs What questions - One of the best ways of asking exploratory questions is by staying in curiosity. There are two main ways to stay in curiosity, the simplest but not the easiest one is to ask “What” questions instead of “why” or “how” questions. “Why” questions communicate without words to others that we believe our solution is better when you ask why questions, it is as if you’re saying: “I already know the right answer, and it is your turn to explain to/show me why you are not wrong.” What questions, on the other hand, come from a place of curiosity and exploration. “What are your thoughts on this idea?” “What are your ideas for solving this problem?” “What task would you be most comfortable executing?” or as simple as: “I am curious, what….?”

Pay attention next time you ask questions; when you ask WHY questions do you see people defending their idea or feel frustrated with you? When you ask WHAT questions do you see people taking a short pause, and even look surprised?  Is there openness and willingness to explore together?

3.              Lean Back Again
Each time you want to go faster and lean toward a solution ask another ‘What’ question. Challenge yourself to keep asking “what” questions again and again and again. Stretch yourself to explore as many perspectives, possibilities, and ideas. 

4.              Check the Energy in the Room
The leaders who know it all, who have all the solutions, focus on educating, explaining, and solving problems. If you have a tendency to teach and educate your team you might notice that when you take over the conversation the people in the room are less engaged, and go inwards. On the other hand, when you focus on asking questions, explore, invite people to find solutions to gaps you or your team identified -people are more engaged, they come up with solutions (maybe not your favorite ones, but when others come with solutions they also take ownership of leading the process.

Pay attention: How comfortable your team or peers are when you stretch yourself to be in curiosity?  How engaged are they in the conversation? Do you suck the energy from the room, or does it feel specious? Are people stiff and holding back, or are they talking casually like they would to equals? Do they want to keep the conversation because they feel heard and seen, or are they defending and reacting and even triggered? If you sense that the energy is low, you have a choice: you can keep sucking the energy and explain and educate, or you can shift and let them find the answers. People are resourceful and can reach out to you when they need your help.

 Leaning back, listening, asking questions, leaning back, even more, asking more questions, and listening while being present with others’ solutions allow others to feel empowered,  resourceful, and engaged. Not only others will take ownership of the solutions they find, but it will also open up space and time for you to focus on planning and being intentional for the long term solutions while others focus on the tactical approach.

Six Things You Should Know Before Hiring an Executive Coach

Here you are - asking yourself whether you or your company should hire an Executive Coach to support you or a few people on your team. This professional interaction can provide a great opportunity for self-development, to take you from good to great, and to dare yourself to be the leader you want to and can be for your team and organization as a whole.

I gathered all the information I think you should know before you hire or consider hiring an executive coach. This information comes from questions I receive from new clients, people who reach out after they see me speaking in conferences, people who are watching my social media videos, or people reading my book and articles. Here are the six things you should know about executive coaching.

What Is Executive Coaching?

Let me take a step back and share the ICF (International Coach Federation - the international coaching association) definition of coaching: “Coaching is a thought-provoking and creative partnership that inspires clients to maximize their personal and professional potential, often unlocking previously untapped sources of imagination, productivity, and leadership.” 

An executive coach builds on these fundamental skills by helping the executive become aware of their leadership blind spot so they can achieve their personal/organizational goals and see consistent results. 

Mostly the coach and executive will decide on a few coaching goals to focus on for four to six months. 

So, what is the difference between coaching, mentoring, consulting, and therapy?

With all the personal and emotional professionals out there, it can be confusing to understand what the difference between a coach and other professionals is. So let’s take a moment to make the distinction between the different professions.

1. Therapists identify the past events that are getting in your way of moving forward.

2. Consultants help you solve a specific problem by following steps they designed themselves and believe to be the best method. This mostly comes from their own experience.

3. A mentor is someone who walked the path you want to walk and helps you, from their own personal experience, to move toward this goal. 

4. Coaches help you close the gap between where you are right now and where you want to be. The coach does that by asking powerful questions that help you find clarity so you can move forward. 

Confidentiality

Being a leader, I knew that at times there are situations I can’t share with my peers, friends, and even with my husband. Executives are exposed to information that can be delicate or might feel very uncomfortable sharing with others. ICF certified professional coaches must abide by the ICF code of ethics, which requires the coaches to keep the coaching conversations with their clients confidential, no matter who sponsors the coaching. This is why even when organizations sponsor a coaching engagement, an executive coach is not allowed to share the conversation with their client. I can tell you that when my clients know that our work is confidential, we are able to have open-hearted conversations that allow a profound conversation

It Can Be Lonely Up There

Being a leader and having experience as a change management consultant, I learned that the higher up you are in the organization, the less you can share. Working with an executive coach can help you bounce ideas off of a trusted partner, or to take time to brainstorms some solutions to a challenge or opportunity. Some of my clients found it easy to hide or not be seen or to move on without taking a moment to pause, celebrate, and Reflect. Unconsciously, they learned that it is better to shy away rather than getting in trouble or being seen and hurt others. 

Having an executive coach can be a place to celebrate a breakthrough, promotion or success, especially if you overcome an obstacle or when you feel uncomfortable talking about it or celebrating it with your peers or even with your partner. It is important to sit with your wins and reflect on them too, as much as when you overcome challenges or mistakes.

Different Perspective

When you come to the coaching conversation, you likely have one or two perspectives on a current situation. Being on autopilot you might not have been able to notice your blindspots, or maybe you were too busy to take the time and think about them. The coaching conversation allows you to explore a new perspective and even identify some areas you might have been lacking clarity in, especially when you talk with someone who holds an external perspective and is not engaged one way or another with the other personas in the organization. 

Have an honest conversation with you

In her study about self-awareness, Tasha Eurich found that the higher you are on the corporate ladder the less self-aware you are. Why is that? Her study shows that a big part of it is that the higher up you are, the fewer people will tell you what they think. 

You know how important it is for you to receive feedback from your team and peers, still, according to a 2017 study from Quantum Workforce, about half of employees don't regularly speak their mind at work -- whether to colleagues or managers.  I know how much I craved honest feedback or conversation without people holding back, and if this a need you feel has not been met, my promise to you is to always have an honest conversation with you where I share how I experience you. 

 As you can see from this article, executive coaching covers a wide spectrum of leadership skills: vision, strategy, techniques, and even wellness. Each executive coach has a unique methodology and a unique perspective of what can help their clients thrive. This is why most coaches offer a free coaching session to help you identify your coaching journey, and see if the methodology the coach is using and their style will be a good fit for you. Take advantage of this opportunity and speak with more than one executive coach to see who you feel can fit your needs and whom you feel comfortable speaking with. 

How to start?

To help you get ready in your preparation for hiring an executive coach, I gathered everything I discussed in this article to a one-page checklist.  As a bonus, I also added important questions that can help you get better clarity of what are your main coaching goals, and what you should ask your coach in order to make sure they are the best fit for you.